10 Ways To Spot A Douchebag Driver

Image via Complex Original

If you want to waste tons of money on a loud system, that is fine by us, we just don't want to hear your damn music. This is a free country, and if you aren't in a department store or coffee shop, you should all be free to choose the music you listen to. The tyranny of bass heavy systems is obscene. Those who believe that the rest of the world has to hear the newest Beyoncé album just because it's the first album they paid money for in a decade should have their licenses permanently revoked.

You learned this rule straight through high school. There were always those kids who wanted to be so cool, so they took their totally uncool car and tried to 2 Fast 2 Furious the shit out of it with all sorts of wings, scoops, decals, body kits and whatever else they could find online. This person will also try to race you, regardless of whether you're in a Toyota Camry or a Ford F-150. 

If your car is so precious that it requires more than one parking spot, then why are you driving it in the first place? Shouldn't it be kept in a showroom or museum if it is so precious? Cars are the most expensive thing we buy outside of a house and a college education. Nobody wants to see their baby dinged up. Chance it like the rest of us or we'll be forced to key your car out of spite.

There's a good chance that a macho douchebag driver has a sticker of Calvin pissing on his least favorite automotive brand plastered on the back window of his vehicle. It doesn't matter if Calvin is pissing on Ford, Chevy, or an abstract concept, if you see this Bill Watterson character bastardized with narrowed eyes and delivering a steady stream of urine, odds are that the owner of the sticker and the car it is stuck to is a pretty big douche.

What's with these people who won't get to the left when cars are trying to merge? The left lane is faster anyway. If the left lane is full of speeding semi trucks, it is understandable if you don't get over. But, how often have you been prevented from merging by that lone car that refuses to get over into the empty space in the fast lane? If common courtesy eludes a fellow driver, odds are they are driving under the influence of douchebaggery.

"I have a message for the world, and I need to deliver it to everyone who passes my car." This is what you are saying if you opt for a vanity plate. Of course, the message that these license plates bear isn't exactly profound. Usually the message is that the driver is a "KEWTIEPIE" or has a "BIGDONG69." Vanity is a sin, and there's no telling what other sinful actions a person with a vanity plate may take if given the chance.

Aggressive drivers are commonplace on the highway. Some of these drivers are douches and some of them are just in a hurry. If a driver is riding your ass, waiting for his chance to beat you to the passing lane, they are most likely a complete douche. Just like at the middle school dance, it it is common courtesy to keep some space between you and what's in front of you.

Hey, 2002 called, they want their environmentally irresponsible vehicles back. Despite widespread media mockery, some people still choose to drive huge SUVs. Driving a vehicle like this tells the world, "I don't do the kind of labor that requires a truck, but I want to take up the same amount of space a truck takes up." Steer clear of these vehicles, as the driver is clearly compensating for something, which probably means they're prone to bouts of road rage prompted by the hopeless misery of their existence.

Pull over to a rest stop. Have a passenger take the call for you. Just call them back. There are tons of options available to drivers, yet people still talk on their damn cell phones and cause accidents. If a driver has this kind of disregard for safety, there is no telling what other unsafe actions they may take. In-car cell phone use is the calling card of the douche. Also, if you are talking on your blue tooth like the gentleman in this picture, you are doubly a douche.

Unless you're helping to prevent an accident, what is the point of honking your horn? Do these people think that the cars in front of them are choosing not to drive? The reason the drivers ahead of them took to the road in the first place was to get from point A to point B. Do these people think that their fellow drivers suddenly decided to stop, or got distracted from the task at hand, and a piercing honk will get things back on track? We'll never understand the serial honker mindset, but one thing's for sure, we would love it if Manhattan's honking fines were instituted worldwide.