How To Use Your Car as a Wingman

Image via Complex Original

This is a no-brainer. The only thing girls find more charming than defined obliques and Beyoncé platitudes are flea-ridden, domesticated mammals. Dogs are absolute hell on your cloth interior, but they cloak your personality's shortcomings with cuteness, and—if you're reading this piece—you probably need a lot of help. Traveling with a Beagle puppy in a '96 Nissan Altima has the same female allure as pushing a brand new Lexus ES. Bottom line, a four-legged friend is the most cost effective way to maximize your car's wingman potential.

Representing yourself as a seasoned outdoorsman is something a lot of women will find attractive, so accessorize your vehicle accordingly. Find some way to fashion a mountain bike, a pair of twin tip skis, and a canoe to the roof of your car, and thank us later. You might be too big a coward to actually raft the Gauley River or fire a crossbow, but your car can tell the story of a man who's climbed the highest peaks and wrestled a grizzly bear with his bare hands.

It's football season, which means you finally have a judgment-free excuse to drink in a parking lot. So, turn the back of your custom Toyota Tundra into a makeshift hot tub, fasten a few cases of domestic beer to the roof, and book it to the nearest SEC football stadium. With your car turned party on wheels, you'll make more connections than Johnny Manziel and Texas A&M receiver Mike Evans.

Dr. Phil notwithstanding, there's nothing women find more revolting than McDonald's bags strewn about the backseat. The flip side of that, of course, is that an immaculately maintained interior speaks to a man's debonair sensibilities. To have a clean car is to have a wingman say, "This guy's different. He's a responsible drinker, but he has a taste of oak barrel aged whiskey, and an affinity for Egyptian cotton duvet covers."

Women, especially on the first few dates, are taking in every detail to make their assumptions, excuse us, judgements, about what type of guy you are. Just like if you're wearing disheveled, wrinkly clothes, a messy car will portray the image that you're disorganized, lazy, and unclean. If she sees your ride like that, why the hell would she ever want to come back to your house which she's probably now imagining has rats or roaches burrowing in your dirty laundry? Keep it clean. 

These things typically have a charitable cause associated with them, so don't forget to decorate your car with a corresponding bumper sticker. Like, if it's an animal conservation group or whatever, slap a "Save the Whales" window decal on your car. We're not guaranteeing success with this one, but it can't hurt. Ultimately, you'll have a clean car, even if you're without a phone number. And don't be a creepy perve... skip the high school cheerleaders, unless you're in high school, of course.

Self-admittingly, this might just be a distant fantasy that we refuse to believe never actually happens in real life. Just let us live, okay? It's already a good idea to keep tools in your trunk for that occassion when your own car goes belly up, and if you're a nice person with a decent knowledge of cars, you could earn some karma points by helping those who are in the unfortunate broken-down-on-the-side-of-the-highway, as well. Now, don't only stop if it's a hot girl. Help everybody. We're just saying, if it happens to be a cute girl, and you're the one to recognize that a hose is loose and can get her car started, there's a good shot she'd be interested in seeing you again. And if you can't help, oh darn! Looks like you have to give her a ride to the nearest garage. Shucks. 

The most concerning worry about first or second dates is that you're going to run out of things to talk about. Silence can be a killer, and your goal is obviously to make this person think that you're interesting enough that she'd want to spend more time with you. So, instead of just randomly bringing up that you recently ran a marathon, "accidentally" forget to leave the paper with your number on it in the backseat. Let her see it and bring it up. You don't want to sound like you're braggin. Or maybe leave that ticket stub from the Weeknd concert or the Bulls game in your center console cubby, where she can see it. Just remember, don't leave more than two or three things. You don't want it looking messy.