There are plenty of things wrong with smearing a piece of buttered toast on an SUV. It's a waste of a perfectly good piece of toast (unless it was white bread, because grow up). It's an annoyance to clean up. It breaks the trust we have in our fellow man. That said, is it really worth an arrest? Police in Union, S.C. thought so. Thirty-four-year-old Christopher Brannon was arrested Saturday and charged with malicious damage to property for his heinous act. The damage: $1.
This makes me wonder what the police would have done if they found out about the epic car vandalism war my friend and I had in high school. It started when my buddy Darius snuck up on me in the cafeteria sophomore year and gave me a merciless bitch slap. In retaliation, I purchased a box of frozen squids from an Asian market, defrosted them (oh god, what a smell) and draped the seafood all over his tan Ford Explorer. Darius was livid. Impressed...but livid.
Afterwards I caught wind of his plan to get a few boxes of Oreos, break them in half, lick the frosting and stick them to my white Ford Contour. Obviously this wouldn't be nearly as good as my stunt. Still, I wanted to one-up him. So before he could even get to it, I used his own idea against him. It was brilliant, and it temporarily shut down the war.
I thought I had won, but Darius was patiently waiting for the perfet time to exact his revenge. He waited years. I walked out of my house one day senior year to find the entire back window of my car smeared with burrito.
It had to be Darius.
I called him and he adamantly denied being the culprit. Foolishly, I believed him. A few years later, when I was back home from college, he fessed up and my mind was blown, my world rocked. There haven't been any incidents since and now I know that's probably a good thing. We could have been locked up for our shenanigans. We're like Al Capones who got away with the crimes. Or something like that ...