What We Learned About Life From '90s Sports Movies

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Movie: Happy Gilmore (1996)

You've heard it from your parents 100 times but until you get your brains beaten in by a baby boomer you'll never understand. Happy Gilmore may not have aged as well as Bob Barker's left hook but we still love this scene where The Price Is Right host shows some old timers—sans dentures—still have their bite. Next time a geriatric tells you a story, listen. Not out of any sort of respect but rather fear that he could be a 'Nam vet having a flashback.

Movie: Jerry Maguire (1996)

This movie showed us agents are scumbags. But you would've learned that after watching Scott Boras or Drew Rosenhaus talk for any more then 15 seconds. 

The main lesson we learned early on in this Oscar-nominated film is this: Work sucks. There's only a few ways out: winning the lottery, nepotism, or a godsend in the form of a fatal car accident. Fortunately, it will only make up about 50 years of your life. 

Sometimes work is about swallowing your pride and kissing ass. In fact, it's the main part. Asses of clients, asses of management, sometimes you wonder why school didn't teach 'Ass Kissing 101.' Jerry Maguire offers a painful education on the subject. "Show me the money" is a classic case of how low a man must stoop to remain a breadwinner. Not long after, Jerry is fired and fittingly embarrassed upon his exit. It's all true, undergrads. Except, unlike a romantic comedy, in real-life nobody’s coming with you.

Movie: The Program (1993)

The ESU Timberwolves enter their last game against Georgia Tech needing a win to secure a major bowl. Down 10-7 with one play left, the coach shows no courage under fire and asks his quarterback to do his job for him. In typical movie fashion the quarterback asks for the ball. What follows is a miraculous play with two forward passes that would make the replacement refs blush. The lesson is, probably, that writer/director David Ward never heard of the "tuck rule" but we'll bail him out and say it's a metaphor about making your own guidelines. Are you sick of living by man's law? Then go out and be a rebel. Laws were made to be broken.

Movie: Celtic Pride (1996)

So this film is about how you shouldn't obsess over sports (which is true). But what this early Judd Apatow comedy taught us was a funny lesson about confinement without legal authority. Two hapless losers will stop at nothing to secure their hometown Celtics a post-'80s title so they kidnap Utah Jazz star Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans) to put it on ice. After Scott escapes, he (for some reason) only decides to report the crime if the Jazz lose. Spoiler alert: the Jazz win sparing them from criminal infamy. The film ends with them entering Deion Sanders' hotel room. If you look at 1s face at the end, you'll realize how their criminal minds have evolved. This time they'll leave no survivors.

Movie: Rookie of the Year (1993)

Preteen Henry Rowengartner sucks at baseball (he even wears jeans during games). Then he destroys his arm and develops a cannon that makes Vlad Guerrero look like a limp-wristed little leaguer. Realistic? No. It doesn't take long after intentionally destroying your arm with a hammer to figure out that this whole premise is BS. At least one five-year-old, somewhere out there, learned that the hard way. But it allowed every kid to visualize their dream on the big screen. Walking around a big league clubhouse with naked men and then watching as your hero slowly moves in on your mom. Dreams do come true.

Movie: He Got Game (1998)

Power corrupts. In He Got Game, Jake Shuttlesworth (the father of blue chip recruit Jesus) is offered a pardon from prison if he can get his son to go to the governor's alma mater. Like every reasoned decision it comes down to a one-on-one father vs. son baksetball game (feel free to watch).

'The Decision' ends with Jesus picking the Governor's school, but too late. So dad ends up back in prison and the governor comfortable with the fact that this scandal could in no way come back to bite him if Jake were to talk. It's an excellent lesson that will dash the dreams of anyone interested in expressing their democratic birthright. When the guy you're backing to be mayor gets popped sending dick pics online (again) you really won't give a shit.

Movie: The Last Boy Scout (1991)

In a play that, no doubt, drew multiple flags and a probable posthumous ejection, halfback Billy Cole opts to take out half the defense with a handgun before killing himself. What we didn't get was when Cole runs over the first three defenders, why does he have to then resort to a performance enhancing weapon? Could you imagine if Arian Foster plowed through three Niners only to shoot NaVorro Bowman in the eye to secure a game-winning TD? It would be No. 1 on the "Not Top 10" for at least a month complete with Bowman on the bottom line (Out for Season, dead).  All we can say is: don't gamble, don't do drugs, and don't shoot your fellow man in the knee. Especially if you're just going to commit suicide 10 seconds later.

Movie: Air Bud (1997)

Every single sports movie featuring an animal on the team has an opposing coach yelling "A (blank) can't play (blank sport)!" Followed by the animal playing and the coach countering with "You show me in the rule book where it says a (blank) can't play (blank sport)!" Probably rule one. Still, when the dog is averaging 20 and 10 it hurts (a little) less to lose playing time to him. There may be no official rule to keep Bud off the court, but coach is clearly suffering from dementia and everyone playing along is just encouraging him.

Movie: Varsity Blues (1999)

Varsity Blues inaccurately/accurately (based on your experience) predicted that high school is as stressful as life gets. Backup QB and eventual star Jonathan Moxon has trouble living up to the pressures of being a god in his own town and having two babes fight over him. We’d love to see a sequel when he has an ulcer during his first final exam at Brown.

His teammate Billy Bob goes to the field drunk (presumably to kill himself) after getting yelled at by his, insanely villainous, coach Bud Kilmer. Coach Kilmer does occasionally make a good point (like for instance, the night before a game, maybe you shouldn’t get shitfaced at a strip club) but he is terrifyingly ruthless in his attempt to stack district titles and build a legacy. 

If you can make it through West Canaan High you can handle anything, even being the President of the United States. But leave your high school in the past or you'll end up like Moxon's dad; living vicariously through your block-headed somehow sex symbol of a son.

Movie: D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994)

Every inspirational speech you ever heard from a coach growing up was an attempt to copy a climactic scene from a movie like this. After getting bashed by Team Iceland 12-1 the Duck-heavy Team USA rebounds to get a scripted rematch worthy of Disney. In Round 2 the teams then go all Todd Bertuzzi on each other in a game the zebras have clearly lost all control of. Down three going into the final period coach Gordon Bombay gives this rousing speech to fire up Team USA, who then go out, kick Iceland's ass, and fly home to "We Are The Champions." You couldn't script this. Actually, you could. But still.

Movie: Tin Cup (1996)

The crowning scene of this golf gem occurs when lead character Roy McAvoy opts to live dangerously instead of playing for sudden death. Short term, it blows up in his face; but, long term...it probably also blows up in his face. Still, in the end McAvoy takes rival golfer (and PGA pro) David Simms' girflriend because being a free spirit trumps ambition and boatloads of money in the eyes of beautiful women. That's a way better trophy. Lesson learned: stop being a pussy and quit your job already. Your lady will have your back.

Movie: BASEketball (1998)

In BASEketball, Joe Cooper and Doug Remer create a sport the average man can play on par with top notch athletes. Over the course of the movie a rift develops over which direction to take their new enterprise resulting in a mutual "silent treatment." As with most movies they come to see the error of their ways. Then they reconcile the way two close friends should, with their tongues down each other's throats. Next time you and your buddy argue over foreign policy, the economy, abortion, or any other contentious issue consider this instead; the headache isn't worth it and you'll both be happier afterwards.

Movie: The Sandlot (1993)

If this movie didn't teach you anything about being a man you weren't paying attention. One of the ultimate nostaligia trips of our generation follows a group of neighborhood friends who spend an ideal summer playing baseball all day. Then the new guy trying to fit in (Smalls) loses his step dad's autographed Babe Ruth ball to a "vicious" dog. The groups leader ('Benny the Jet') decides to retrieve the ball after a visit from a ghost in his Amityville-level haunted house.

Next time you have that "dog in your life" whether it's a big job interview, a friend in need, or there's a serial rapist in your area, remember what those little rascals from The Sandlot would do. Count on their leader to step up. What's your personality type? Are you 'Benny the Jet' or are you Tommy fucking Timmons? It also taught us that pretending to drown will get you laid. 

Movie: Space Jam (1996)

Shawn Bradley and Muggsy Bogues? Okay. Larry Johnson? Maybe. But Ewing and Barkley getting shut down by Lola Bunny and Porky Pig? Come on, dude. The game was full of uncalled technicals. At one point, Lola Bunny de-pantses the opposition. MJ laughs after seeing, what we can only assume is, a colossal Monstar penis. But he's also laughing at his NBA contemperaries. With Elmer Fudd as his Scottie, Jordan defeats the aliens forcing them to give back their NBA talents. Then he returns to the league to continue kicking their asses in human form. Jordan is now a living legend and we attribute as much of that to Space Jam as we do his six rings.

Movie: Rudy (1993)

If that music alone doesn't make you want to hit the gym and attempt to double your max bench without a spotter then you watched it wrong. Rudy is the movie about perseverance and grit. Sure, some of it turned out to be baloney; but there really was a Rudy, he really was 5'6" and he really did sack Georgia Tech's quarterback. "Any of you wanna run home to momma?" We would've left 20 seconds before that but that's why Rudy Ruettiger has one career sack for Notre Dame and all of us at Complex combined have zero!