The Douchiest Forms of Transportation

Image via Complex Original

The editor of the RIDES page used to have a moped, and even though he loved it when he had it, even he admits he looked stupid. Just imagine when people who aren't 15 years old drive these. When it boils down to it, these are only cool in Italy. A fat American in board shorts will never be able to pull off what an Italian in a perfectly tailored suit can. 

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Stop frontin'. You gotta learn how to shine within your price range. If you can only afford a Ford Focus, make it the dopest Ford Focus around (that doesn't mean 20-inch rims or a crazy paint job). Get a nice sound system and some tasteful rims. That's respectful. Rolling around in a counterfit Ferrari, however, is not. Don't be a fake.

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These are for when you want to ride a motorcycle without having to learn a new skill. We promise chicks won't be turned on by these. 

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Sorry, but it doesn't look fun to have to balance your dangling legs out in front of you while on a motorycle appropriately sized for your eight-year-old nephew. Even Jadakiss shouting out pocket rockets in "New York" doesn't make them cool.

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Back in elementary school, the Razor scooter was the hottest thing on the block. I'll never forget the red one I got for my tenth birthday. But that was then, and this is now. Nostalgia rarely leads us in the right path. Case in point: adult scooters. You might as well bring your business documents into the office in a backpack that looks like a monkey. 

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We're talking oversized mufflers that don't actually do anything for the exhaust. We're talking stick-on side vents. We're talking enormous wings. We're talking clip-on spinners, and seat covers, and carlashes, and car bras, and fake hood scoops. Stop spending money on idiotic and useless things. 

Tandem Bikes: the fun-filled way to embarass the whole family for the low price of the bike itself and the therapy that your kids will need to forgot this ever happened.

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In all likelihood, Julius Caesar let people carry his lazy, eltiist ass around in one of these (litters, palanquins, whatever you want to call them). He also was stabbed 23 times. Coincidence? Not a chance.

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I had a high school calculus teacher who rocks one of these. Dude also wears mandals with socks, exclusivly drinks an obscure tea he gets from out east (I went to high school in Colorado), and leads a yearly calculus camp up in the mountains. Do you really want to have anything in common with him?

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It's just not possible to look cool on a set of blades, unless you're playing in-line hockey. Central Park is always filled with bladers, which is good for a laugh at lunch, if nothing else.

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Way to take the rebellious, youthful skateboard, stretch it out and douche it up. How did we get from blue jeans and vans to cargo shorts and gloves? Somewhere Tony Alva and Stacy Peralta are shaking their heads.

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RELATED: 20 Longboards That Won't Make You Look Like A Douchebag

Fun fact: the inventor of the Segway died on his own creation. Reportedly, he went over a cliff. Too bad all Segway riders aren't like lemmings ... 

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A skateboard does not need a motor. Ever. It's supposed to be kick, push-not stand like a total chode and lean occasionally. When you're taking the exercise out of something that is powered by exercise, you look like somebody who eats "salads" consisting of iceburg lettuce, 18 scoops of baco bits, 9 scoops of croutons and a 13-second squeeze of ranch dressing. 

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You see these people coming from a mile away. Well, actually they're only steps away from the door, after they park in the handicap spot without a handicap sticker. They're out there looking like Ben Stiller at the end of Dodgeball, and they don't actually need a motorized vehicle to shop for a box of reborn Twinkies, cheese-infused summer sausages, and five-pound buckets of mayonnaise. Unfortunately, these horrible humans are a great representation of what this country is all about. 

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