13 Reasons an Apple iCar Could Be Terrible

Is the iCar coming? Get ready for these headaches.

By 
Jul 18, 2013
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Given that Apple is working on getting iOS into as many cars as possible, and is now filing for automotive patents, it's not that hard to make the jump to the possibility that the massive tech company could make the jump to auto manufacturing. While some Apple fans would be all over this, and there are some definite upsides to the idea, a number of pitfalls initially presented themselves in our minds.

Apple does a lot of things right when it comes to phones and computers, but the company also does a lot wrong, so here are 13 Reasons an iCar Could Be Terrible.

The 17.5-inch wheels mean you must buy tires directly from Apple.

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Dealers make lots of money off of the small number of people who don't just hit up a proper tire store for new rubber, and we all know Apple would make wheels in weird-ass sizes just so you had to go back to the dealer.

Mandatory scheduled maintenance requires you go to a "Genius Garage."

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Basically, ASE certified mechanics won't know how to work on the iCar. In fact, the people working on your car probably won't be mechanics at all, they'd just be technicians who can tweak everything from a wireless connection they have on their iPads.

If you touch the wrong part of the steering wheel, the engine will stall out on early models.

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Remember that little bug the iPhone had a few years ago? If you held it at the top, you couldn't make a call. Now imagine that on the scale of drving on the highway, and you accidentally put your hand in the wrong place, shutting the car down at 80 mph.

There will be an iCar 2 released in two months that will be four times better.

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"Yo, check it out, I got the first iCar!" That's cool, but they made an announcment this morning about a new one coming out in November that will have double the gas mileage, can pick up Starbucks for you, and changes the infotainment system based on what you're thinking.

Bored Genius Mechanics will check out your driving records to see how often you go to strip clubs.

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It seems like every week we're hearing about how Apple's "Geniuses" like to search for naked selfies on customers' iPhones. Now they're also checking out where you live, where you spend your free time, how often you go to the Lion's Den Adult Superstore off the highway...

You have to remember your Apple ID to access anything on it.

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You think texting and driving is bad? What if you have to constantly put in your Apple ID for everything you want to approve? AC? Apple ID, please. Left turn signal? Apple ID, please. Open the garage? Apple ID, please.

The all-glass exterior gets the worst safety rating in history, but it's passed, because it's "cool."

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Everybody you know will have a cracked windshield, not just your ghetto friend and his $400 Criagslist car. Why? Because the design team didn't let the engineers get anywhere near their precious panoramic everything.

The exterior only comes in white or black.

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Don't want a white or black car? You can always get a clunky car protector in just about any color that ruins the minimal design that attracted you to the car in the first place.

Instead of a seatbelt beep, there will be an equally annoying "Update" beep.

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One of our biggest gripes about new cars is all the beeping and warnings. Imagine how insanely mind-numbing these would be, if it happened every time there was an update to the car's OS? Considering there are infinitely more things to worry about in a car than on a phone, the beeps would never stop.

The charging port has a special adapter, and it's impossible to find the gas stations that have the right pump.

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Apple thinks just becuase they gave it a sweet new name, people wouldn't be upset about the all-new Thunderbolt adapter for the updated iPhones and iPads. If Apple were smart, they'd work with Tesla and create a universal charging system. But who are we kidding ... Apple doesn't play nicely with anybody else.

All the parts will be fused, so repair will be needlessly expensive.

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Example: You just blew a head gasket and take your car in to a group of condecending mechanics. After making you wait around, looking at the iCar 38 (you bought an iCar 22 last year), one of them casually tells you that the headgasket was fused to the engine block, which was cast as a single piece with the chassis, so you'd be better off just buying a new car.

Everybody's car will look exactly the same.

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Oh, you think it's difficult to find your car in a parking lot with your bright green volkswagen convertible? What if every single car had the same appearance, and everybody's alarms had the exact same sound? Good luck with that one.

It will use Apple's mapping system as the standard GPS.

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"Siri, take me to Mission Chinese."

"In 200 feet, turn left into ... the Upper Bay."

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