How to Prevent Your Friends From Driving Drunk

Image via Complex Original

We don't normally recommend getting your friends blackout drunk, but in this instance, it is for their own good. People who drive drunk tend to be compensating for something: There's some empowering feeling they get by breaking the rules, however stupid their rule breaking may be. These are also the sort of people that will go shot for shot with you when challenged. It might mean that you'll have a nasty headache in the morning, but when you're on your tenth shot of Jim Beam, remember that are you doing it for your friend and your community, if you can remember anything by that point.

Being the unplanned designated driver is just about the most noble sacrifice a man can make, right up there next to dieing for your fellow man in war or letting him sit shotgun because he's had a bad day. In the moment, you're probably going to be steamed that your boy gets a complimentary chauffeured ride home just because he behaved irresponsibly. You're right to be upset, but there's the greater good to think of here.

Also, if he forgets to close out his tab before he leaves, you can come back after you drop him off and run up his bill all night. There's no such thing as a free ride.

Oh, the things we've done for pizza while drunk. The only thing that holds more currency with drunk people than pizza is women, and by time pizza comes into the conversation, any hope of women vanished long ago. If your crew is anything like us, you have walked miles through the harshest elements for late night pizza. Your drunk friend certainly won't mind a little wait.

Here's what you do. Tell him that the pizza will be there in twenty minutes, but don't order it yet. If he asks again, stretch time: after forty-five minutes, tell him it will only be fifteen more minutes. From then on, tell him five minutes every time he asks. After about a hour and a half, order that pizza. Odds are he'll wait as long as it takes to get his pizza, and by time it arrives, he'll be ready to pass out ... as soon as a he houses a few slices of za.

This one tends to work a lot better if you are a member of the opposite sex, but there are ways to convince even the most platonic of friends to stay the night. In our experience, very few people can resist a freshly made bed when they are drunk. Guide them into the guest bedroom (or, more likely, on to the pull out sofa), crank up the Enya channel on Pandora, and your drunken buddy will be Sailing Away in no time. If you're pal just won't hit the hay, you might even resort to some chamomile tea spiked with whiskey to put him down for the count.

This is a bit of a dastardly move, but all is fair in love and war and helping your buddy avoid vehicular manslaughter charges. It is a law of drunken nature that as long as a tipsy person's crush is in the room, for them, nothing else exists. As long as you can convince the apple of your friend's eye to hang out, your sudsy bud will be totally distracted, unable to think about getting up to go to the bathroom, let alone driving home. Of course, this assumes that your boy's crush is actually willing to come hang out with you guys, which might not be plausible, so be prepared to ditch this strategy for more realistic options.

Find out what you inebriation inclined buddy's favorite movie is before he comes to the house. If your boy is a fan of a quotable comedy like Stepbrothers, Zoolander or Anchorman, have that blu-ray on standby. In our experience drunk people cannot walk away from a beloved, quotable film. Whether they love an OG comedy like Blues Brothers or have they can't get enough of that Christopher Guest improv flavor, if they know all the jokes by heart, they won't be able to peel themselves away from the TV until the credits start to roll. Of course, you'll have to deal with them talking along with the movie and ruining your viewing experience, but once again, your sacrifice is for the greater good.

This one is a classic for a reason: it works. Keys are very small and drunk people are not very good at finding things, so hiding keys is surprisingly effective way to keep your friend at your house and out of harm's way. Just make sure you do a good job of hiding them. If you are a little bit buzzed yourself when you get around to concealing your boy's keys, you might not be hiding them as well as your think. If your friend finds them, not only will you be embarrassed that you couldn't hide a small piece of metal, but lives will be in jeopardy. We recommend taking those keys as soon as he'll give them to you, so you'll have clear judgment when picking the perfect hiding spot.