The Official Rules of Riding Shotgun

Image via Complex Original

Duh. You can't just walk up to a car and casually hop up front. You wouldn't eat the last piece of pizza  or eat the last Oreo without consulting the people you're sitting with (actually, you guys probably would, wouldn't you). We're civilized people, after all. That's why, after shotgun is taken, you then call non-bitch or left nut, right nut (or some variation of the rear seats).

Everybody needs a fair shot to call the passenger seat. We can't have anarchy of people yelling, "SHOTGUN!" in the middle of a meal, or interrupting a movie, or when everybdoy is taking a shot of whiskey. When everybody is walking back to the ride, it's back to an even playing field. Once that tail pipe comes into sight, though, GAME ON.

If you're the driver, you might as well be king. You have about as much power as Elin Woods in her divorce settlement, meaning you can do whatever you want and decide how things are going to go on the drive. Part of this includes choosing who is going to sit next to you, if you want to be picky. Did the person who called shotgun make a comment about banging your mom at the bar? Kick his ass to the back seat.

Blitzing is for animals. This list is the anti-blitz. We can't have brutes hurling themselves at each other, tossing garbage bins in the way, and kicking puppies just to get their hand on the passenger's side door first. Use the system.

All systems need to have a hierarchy. This is it for shotgun. You need a plan for when your group arrives to the car, and everybody is staring at you, waiting to see where they stand on the loyalty and love spectrum. As far as loyalty goes, show some respect and offer the front to your mother or father. Just because you're dating somebody doesn't give you the right to leave your 'rents on the curb. And if your friends call you a pansy for letting your girl or guy sit up front, you can tell them to kick rocks. It's called chivalry. As for the bang-buddy, that person is about as high-ranking as Luke Schenscher on a list of the all-time best Chicago Bulls big men.

It's the driver's car. He chooses the music. If that's rap, deal with it. Just pretend like you love Drake singing away his feelings. If you're called upon to command the dials or the iPhone playlist, you better make damn sure it's going to be music that the driver likes, too.

There's nothing more dangerous on long road trips than the driver. If you make a mistake, you're putting several other people's lives in danger, so it's your responsibility to stay alert. That doesn't mean you can't use some help, though, and weren't talking more than a cup of coffee. The passenger needs to stay up with the driver and keep him or her company. If you want to sleep, go in the back, and let somebody else chat about how you totes should go for the smokin' hot bartender at your neighborhood pub.

In all reality, this should be handled before you start driving. Know where you're headed. However, if you get distracted by some hot babe in a Corvette and accidentally follow her off your path, it's up to the passenger to guide you back to safety. In-car navs help, but it's extremely dangerous to fiddle around with one while you're driving. Be a chap, and punch it in for the driver.

Get your stinky ass feet off my dash. In fact, just for thinking you could get away with that, go sit in the trunk. You don't deserve a seat, you filthy animal. [Note: This rule is voided, if you are Rex Ryan, who would coax you into taking your socks off and placing your feet near the steering wheel].