10 Things We Hope Valets Never Do in Our Cars

Image via Complex Original

We can thank Ferris Bueller's Day Off for this image popping up in our head every single time we're forced to have somebody else handle our keys. It's the dream of every valet parker but the nightmare for every car owner.

The thought of somebody other than us stripping our baby is horrifying. Like, wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-shivering-with-cold-sweats frightening. Our car is not intended to be frankensteined into several other cars, alright. Nowhere on our registration is there a little tiny heart with the word "DONOR" next to it.

We can just picture it now. We're sitting at the beach next to our doorless and roofless Jeep Wrangler, when all of a sudden, 18 cop cars roll up on us, guns pointing red dots on our foreheads. Our faces are crushed into the gritty sand, as we watch the po-pos bust open a secret compartment that we didn't even know about and take out a brick of cocaine. Not an ideal situation, if you ask us.

If the tires on our car are going to be wasted by spinning up clouds of smoke, we better be the ones behind the wheel pressing the pedal. We don't want you skidding around giant cement structures, either, where any slip-up could lead to a total demolition of our car. Take it slow, take if easy and drive it into its rightful spot.

We might live in New York City, but you better believe we aren't putting those dumbass bumper guards onto our ride. They might be useful, but we'd rather eat a Reese's peanut butter cup filled with a brick of wasabi than look at those ugly things everyday. This means our bumpers are ripe for somebody to dent, scratch, bump, scrape, or otherwise damage them. Even worse is if somebody sees the valet hit a car and flee the scene. Thanks for the police report, homie.

There are multiple potential dangers from a stranger eating fast food in your car. You run the risk of ketchup and mustard stains, greased-up wheels, dials, and shift knobs, pungent fried food smell, and pop making everything super sticky. It's a disaster waiting to happen, and we cringe at the thought of somebody carelessly grabbing a bite.

Maybe it's our fault for leaving things of value in the glove box or not locking it up, but that's usually where we keep our insurance info and registration. We'd really prefer that the guys parking our car stays out. He might be really jealous of our sweet ride, look up our address, stalk us for a week to memorize our routine and then kill us and take our car. We don't want to die.

What's worse than burgers and fries grease? Nose grease. You know damn well that if the guy is picking his nose, he's not going to take the time to flick it out the window. That nasty green gob of goo will be going right onto your car's upholstery.

Smoking kills ... car interiors. There is no worse car smell than having to sniff somebody' else smoke stench. And chances are you'll find a few holes in your seat or floor liner from they casually dropped ashes. We'd rather eat a cigarette than have it stain our car.

Let's review: Greasy chicken grease is horrible. Booger grease is horrifically disgusting. Sex grease is just abhorrent. If they're careful, you might not even know, which is almost worse. You never want to stay wondering what has touched the cloth where you rest your head.