10 Steps For Successfully Making Out in a Cab

Image via Complex Original

Okay, we know what you're thinking. "This is bullshit. Tell me something I don't already know." Slow your roll and listen. Yes, you want to be in a situation where the girl all but invites herself back to your spot, but, not all of us are so lucky. Offer to split a cab. Point out that you live uptown as well, so it's on the way. Pretend you live in her neighborhood, and if she doesn't invite you up, be prepared to take that lonely cross-town bus back to your crib. Get creative. Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Stretch out before you leave the club. Sneak over to the bathroom and do some quick yoga moves. This is going to be a foreign environment and there is nothing less sexy than throwing out your back as you run your hands down hers. If you think we're joking, don't come crying to us when you are switching out that cab for an ambulance when you go over a bump and realize can't move your neck.

Avoid the classic rookie mistake: Do not use a car service. Wait for a Yellow Cab. That car service fee might creep up on you, and you'll be too hot and bothered to notice you got price-gouged. When that Yellow Cab does come, don't just jump into the first vehicle that will have you.

Take a look and see if the driver has any religious emblems hanging from the dash. Think about how long the man has been doing this. Some cab drivers are too old for that shit, and will boot your ass out of the cab, if you start feeling her ass. Look for a young dude who seems relaxed or too tired to care. You don't want to get derailed before you even get started.

You want nothing more than to get things going, we understand, but you will need some patience. Unless she jumps on top of you as soon as you finish giving the driver instructions, you have no idea if she is thinking the same dirty thoughts that you are. It might seem corny, but start with the arm around the shoulder or move to hold her hand. Believe it or not, she might have honestly thought that you just wanted to split a cab home. It is hard to hear that, but sometimes, the truth hurts, brother.

We love nothing more than when a lady grabs on to our shirt or our jacket and pulls us into her. But, what if she pulls off a button, or tears the fabric? Just like in middle-school athletics, you need to be dressed right or you shouldn't participate. So, go ahead and remove that fashionable coat. Sure, it has gotten you this far, but you don't want to have to sew a hole or take it to the dry cleaners if things get next level back there.

The meter is running and there are only so many blocks between the bar and your crib. We have already told you to be patient, but that doesn't mean you should be a pussy. If you know that this is only a fifteen-minute ride, that means you need to get in as soon as the getting is good. Sure, the cabbie might take a few extra loops around your neighborhood when you are otherwise occupied, but you can't count on getting ripped off. Fortune favors the bold.

Either your girl finds you irresistable and just couldn't wait to get you home, or this is a test. We don't want to give you performance anxiety in this already alien environment, but if you don't perform well here, this might be your last stop. Don't assume just because you are engaging in a bit of heavy petting in a moving vehicle that you have this thing in the bag. Put your best foot, hand, and tongue forward, because the game might be in OT, but it ain't over, son.

Here you are. The moment has come. You're living the dream. Just remember, whatever you do, don't get carried away. Your girl might not be the exhibitionist that you are. If you get the impulse to take this mild make-out to the next level, restrain yourself. You can suggestively run your hand up her thigh or begin to unzip her dress, but she needs to give you the go ahead. You fly too close to her buns, she might shut the whole thing down. Then you'll have the rest of the cab ride to think about how she's going to be heading back to her place alone.

The odds of you getting back a forgetten wallet or phone are about as good as Tim Tebow starting another NFL game. That was the case even before you defiled your boy's leather interior. Do yourself a favor, before you get out of the cab, and pat down those pockets. Check with your partner to see if anything of value has slipped out. If you don't bother, then this might turn into the most expensive cab ride of your life.

You might think you're beautiful, and we are glad that you have such a postivie self-image, but that doesn't mean that everybody else does. That poor cabbie has had to watch your nasty-ass shove your tongue somebody's throat for the past half-hour. Although you could have given your boy a good view of the lovely lady, you covered her like a blanket. Whenever he looked in to his rear-view, his field of vision was obstructed by your panting, sweating awkwardness. At least give the dude a couple extra bucks.