If you're struggling to get over a recent breakup or hate your thankless job, set up a Google Alert for "Chad Johnson." You'll quickly realize that life could be a lot worse. In the last six months, Johnson was cut from the Dolphins on TV, charged with allegedly head-butting his now ex-wife, had his Miami condo foreclosed upon, and has admitted to being the subject of a recently leaked sex tape.
Johnson has the kinds of problems that a gym membership or promotion won't fix. In very rare situations—like Johnson's—a New Year's Resolution calls for faking one's own death, moving out of the country, and assuming a new identity. #85 just needs to start over.