Complex NFL Pick 'Em: Week 5 Predictions

1 P.M.) NEW YORK GIANTS @ HOUSTON: "Giants, 14-10. Giants defense continues the sack-fest and Bradshaw actually holds on to the fucking ball this week."

SNF) PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: "Niners. Kevin Kolb fucking sucks, Niners get their first win. Clap for 'em."

MNF) MINNESOTA @ NEW YORK JETS: "Jets, 24-14. Who cares, read this."

1 P.M.) NEW YORK GIANTS @ HOUSTON: "Houston, 38-24. I do believe this Arian Nation fills me with more hate than any other."

SNF) PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: "San Francisco, 26-13. As bad as the winless Chardonnay Sippers have been, I don't see them losing this one. Why? Because calling Philly slinger Kevin Kolb a 'checkdown QB' works on two levels. Personally I think he needs to 'check down' there and see if he has the testicular fortitude to make a throw longer than two yards."

MNF) MINNESOTA @ NEW YORK JETS: "Jets, 28-27. As good a shutdown cornerback as Darrelle Revis is, I still don't know that he can cover Brett Favre's dick."

1 P.M.) JACKSONVILLE @ BUFFALO: "Jacksonville, 28-13. Hoping Trent will take a few snaps for Jacksonville so our defense can knock him around."

SNF) PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: "San Francisco, 32-27. Philly is too banged up."

MNF) MINNESOTA @ NEW YORK JETS: "Jets, 21-17. Unless Farve can get the ball(s) out of his hand in time, the Jets' defense is going to all over him."

1 P.M.) GREEN BAY @ WASHINGTON: "Washington, 27-24. Last week's win revived my spirit somewhat, but we still played like ass and got super-lucky that Vick got his ribs jangled. This week, we're home underdogs (+2.5), and predictably so, since everybody's on GB's dick (no Favre) as a potential Super Bowl team. Still, I like the Skins here. Rodgers will certainly tear up our pass D, but after seeing the Pack lose on MNF a couple of weeks ago, I don't fear them. Shitty running game and soft corners. Anyway, next week we got Indy, so these two games will tell us if we're a playoff team or not. I think we are. ABSOLUTELY."

SNF) PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: "Iggles, 20-3. Remember how I said McNabb was gonna have his 'FUCK YOU' game last week? This is Kevin Kolb's 'FUCK YOU' game—to all the media and haters who've already begun eulogizing his career. Sidebar: It's always entertaining to have that train-wreck team whose season gradually regresses from promise into EPIC FAIL—i.e., the Niners (sorry, Gina). Who knows, they could pull a Tennessee from last year and turn it around. I doubt it, though."

MNF) MINNESOTA @ NEW YORK JETS: "Jets, 35-10. Fav-ruh: WORST WEEK EVER. I thought Dennis Miller was fucking terrible on MNF, but this is one time I wish he was in the booth."

1 P.M.) KANSAS CITY @ INDIANAPOLIS: "Indianapolis, 31-27. I'm can't say I'm in love with Indy's chances at stopping high-school sweethearts Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones (JONES!)—especially with safety Melvin Bullitt being #IR with a bullet, but I can say I'm in love with KC being unprepared for the piped-in deafening crowd noise in Naptown and having a pass defense about as strong as Kim Kardashian. Collie may be out, Garçon's back in—let the shootout commence! No Marvin Harrison."

SNF) PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: "San Francisco, 20-17. There are Kolb apologists out there, but I'm not one of 'em. There are also Niner defenders—I hear at least 11 are employed—but I'm not one of them, either. Kolb loves Celek, Smith loves Davis, Gore loves the end zone, LeSean McCoy loves being on the shortlist for a new ankle, and Singletary loves finally getting the dub."

MNF) MINNESOTA @ NEW YORK JETS: "New York, 21-13. Favre's already tossed us a few stiff ones this week, and things in Minnesota were getting randy enough without #84 coming back, but will the Mighty Vikes be able to ignore the glaring spotlight of..nobody in the booth talking about Sterger-gate because they're still too damn infatuated with Farvrvrvrvrve's blue-collar no-quit attitude? I can't say I care. Antonio Cromartie, your turn to take Moss! Try not to father any kids while you're in single coverage!"

4 P.M.) SAN DIEGO @ OAKLAND: "Oakland, 27-3. Conventional wisdom says this ain't gonna happen: San Diego hasn't lost to Oakland since two-thousand-friggin'-three, the Raiders are so short at wide receiver they're talking about bringing back James Jett (or at least they should), and Sebastian Janikowski hasn't been cut yet. But even when not in doubt, I always like to think of my drunk Aunt Pootie's favorite saying: 'Why the fuck not.'"

SNF) PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: "San Francisco, 4-3. A scoring homage to the baseball playoffs and the Giants! The Niners supposedly vaunted 'D' gets the team off the schneid with two safeties, and 'Bring back McNabb' is a hot topic of conversation on Philly talk radio Monday morning."

MNF) MINNESOTA @ NEW YORK JETS: "Jets, 14-10. A certain editor-in-chief I'm contractually obligated to be fond of has a conspiracy theory about the NBA playoffs being rigged with magnets in the balls or some such, but I'm inclined to think that this game might be a total fabrication by the NFL's PR department. One of the sport's most controversial players gets traded back to his first team the week before they play the year's most hyped team? Oh, and three penis photos of the most popular quarterback of all time just happen to leak this week, too?!? Roger Goodell, Illuminati?"

SNF) PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: "San Francisco, 24-21. I've been picking my team all season, and I'm not about to stop now."

MNF) MINNESOTA @ NEW YORK JETS: "Minnesota, 28-14. Revis is still out and Moss is back in purple. Farve's gonna go crazy."