Complex NFL Pick 'Em: Week 2 Predictions

SNF) NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS: "New York Giants, 34-28. Everyone thinks Peyton is a better QB than Eli, even though they each have one Super Bowl ring, and Eli snatched his away from almost 19-0 Tom Brady while Peyton bested Denny's fry boy Rex Grossman for his. Everyone thinks Peyton is the funnier brother, even though Eli had no control over Peyton looking more like an extra who wandered off the set of The Hills Have Eyes than he does. Everyone thinks that, head to head, Peyton licks more cream than Eli, and this much is true."

MNF) NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO: "New Orleans, 28-24. Niners coach Mike Singletary got up in that collective ass after his team, favored to win the NFC West, got stomped by the rebuilding Seattle Seahawks in Week 1. I fully expect the red and gold will show up for this one rather than be further embarrassed on national TV, but here's a simple rule I have: Never pick in favor of a city where the QB has hands like a grade-school girl and the drink of choice is chardonnay."

SNF) NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS: "New York Giants, 17-14. This is the game Eli finally beats his brother.."

MNF) NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO: "New Orleans, 20-13. Dree Brees is a class act. And I like that about him."

4 P.M.) HOUSTON @ WASHINGTON: "Houston, 24-21. Shhhh. I know what I'm doing here."

SNF) NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS: "Indianapolis, 30-24. There's gonna be a shitload of fantasy points thrown up in this one. I'd be inclined to go with the NYGz, 'cept for the fact that the Colts got stomped by Arian Nation last Sunday. They're not gonna wilt on national TV after that humbling L. No way!"

MNF) NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO: "New Orleans, 28-10. You know, I was on that 'Niners are a sleeper' bandwagon for all of...one week. The more I see Singletary on the sidelines, the more I get flashbacks of Jim Zorn. Like, fiery pep talks only go so far. Never trust a coach that's constantly scribbling little notes to himself on the sideline. It's a sign of total ineptitude. Niners are gonna suck this year...Frank Gore better get his, though."

4 P.M.) ST. LOUIS @ OAKLAND: "Oakland, 16-6. Ahh, there's just nothing quite like Week 1 of the NFL season. It's a new year, the paint's fresh in the end zones, the beer's still cold and frothy, and...what's that you say? The season started last week? Huh. The Raiders are always the last to know these things. Well, despite my prognostication, I had the Tennessee game as an L for Oakland anyway. And now begins a run of 8 games where I have them losing only once, and that loss ain't this week. Or it better not be, 'cause if you lose to last year's 1-15 team at home...*unsuccessfully searches for an appropriate 'you're shittier than... metaphor*'"

SNF) NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS: "New York Giants, 34-24. Watching Peyton Manning play at home, when the Indy crowd sits on their cornfed hands and let's him call 10 dozen audibles at the line of scrimmage, is one of the coolest things about the NFL. But I watch my TV with the sound off these days, and I'm also one of four non-Giants fans who thinks that Eli is the less bitchmade of the brothers, so I'm going with the New Yorkers. Plus, if my predictions hold and the Raiders have a better record than the Colts after Week 2, I'm gonna come to work drunk and taunt @provenself all day long."

MNF) NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO: "New Orleans, 17-10. I figure this one should be close, but the asshole in me wants New Orleans to drag 'em early, just to see if Mike Singletary pulls a Woody Hayes."

SNF) NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS: "Indianapolis, 28-17. Ok, clearly I'm not too happy with the Colts' D-line after letting Arian Foster go all Barry Sanders like that, but I'm not one of the people boo-hooing about Bob Sanders being out for the year. Dude's great, but we've lost him before...I think every year, if I'm not mistaken. Peyton spread the ball around lovely last week, so I'm thinking score early, score often, force the Giants to pass, and it'll be another Double-Stuffing for the young Manning. Sorry, @40yardsplash.

MNF) NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO: "New Orleans, 21-13. That San Francisco D is gonna have Singletary up their ass all game—not that it mattered last week when they let Seattle hang 31 on them. And it's not gonna matter again this week when Drew Brees' High-Flying Lactose-and-Gluten Intolerant Nawlins Air Show comes to town.

SNF) NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS: "Indianapolis, 35-13. Have to give it to the big bro."

MNF) NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO: "San Francisco, 17-14. I can't pick against my team just yet, especially after that loss last week. "

1 P.M.) BUFFALO @ GREEN BAY: "Green Bay, 35-17. Look for Aaron Rodgers to have a great day. Sorry Buffalo, I don't Bill-ieve anymore after last week's performance."

SNF) NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS: "Indianapolis, 30-27. I really don't see Indy going 0-2."

MNF) NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO: "New Orleans, 24-10. No match, the Saints are focused."