March Madness continues with the Sweet Sixteen match-ups this week, and the mainstream media's big angle so far has been the rise of the mid-majors, newfound parity in the NCAA Tournament, and the rebirth of fundamentally sound basketball. Right. Read the subtext, my dudes. This year's tourney boils down to two words: RACE WAR!. Yeah, ESPN might say it's a battle of "hard-working, intelligent Ivy Leaguers" against "amazing but raw athletes," but we know what the fuck they really mean. So, in this edition of The Race Card, we've isolated the four most racially charged regional semifinals and called on Whitey Ford and Dark Man X to make their picks...
(1) KENTUCKY vs. (12) CORNELL
WHEN: 9:57 p.m., Thursday, March 25, Syracuse, NY
KENTUCKY STARTERS: Five blacks
(John Wall, Patrick Patterson, DeMarcus Cousins, Darius Miller, Eric Bledsoe)
CORNELL STARTERS: Four whites/one black
(Ryan Wittman, Jon Jaques, Jeff Foote, Chris Wroblewski/Louis Dale)
WHITEY FORD PICK: Cornell. What's not to love about four hard-nosed white student-athletes ( plus one affirmative-action sympathy project) in the Big Red's starting five? This game represents the embodiment of an epic racial standoff. WHITE P...oh, excuse me. Got a little carried away.
DARK MAN X PICK: C'mon son. Kentucky. Wall all day!
COMPLEX PICK: Kentucky, 85-63. We want to see DeMarcus elbow an Ivy Leaguer. Hard.
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(3) BAYLOR vs. (10) ST. MARY'S
WHEN: 7:27 p.m. EST, Friday, March 26, Houston, TX
BAYLOR STARTERS: Four blacks/one white
(LaceDarius Dunn, Tweety Carter, Ekpe Udoh, Anthony Jones/Josh Lomers)
ST. MARY'S STARTERS: Five whites
(Omar Samhan [white & Egyptian], Mickey McConnell, Matthew Dellavedova, Ben Allen, Clint Steindl)
WHITEY FORD PICK: St. Mary's. Not only a whitewash in the starting five, but a bunch of crazy Australians and a center who negates his half-African roots by calling himself "slow and white."
DARK MAN X PICK: Baylor. I'm riding with LaceDarius, Tweety and Ekpe. That's: LaceDarius. Tweety. Ekpe.
COMPLEX PICK: St. Mary's, 70-66. These dudes about to out-Gonzaga Gonzaga.
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(5) MICHIGAN STATE vs. (9) NORTHERN IOWA
WHEN: 9:37 p.m., Friday, March 26, St. Louis, MO
MICHIGAN STATE STARTERS: Five blacks
(Durrell Summers, Raymar Morgan, Derrick Nix, Kalin Lucas, Delvon Roe)
NORTHERN IOWA STARTERS: Four whites/one black
(Jordan Eglseder , Adam Koch, Ali Farokhmanesh, Johnny Moran/Kwadzo Ahelegbe)
WHITEY FORD PICK: Northern Iowa. One of the Zionists at ESPN said that if you saw Kansas and UNI walk into the same gym, you'd never think that the UNI would be able to compete. Well, think again Zionists. (And bye-bye black Kansas!) These so-called "unathletic white guys" are a force to be reckoned with, no matter what the pro-African, anti-white media would have you believe.
DARK MAN X PICK: Michigan State. You already know that (H to the) Izzo is an honorary brother.
COMPLEX PICK: Michigan State, 72-70. The Lucas injury fucks 'em up a little bit, but not enough.
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(4) PURDUE vs. (1) DUKE
WHEN: 9:57 p.m. EST, Friday, March 26, Houston, TX
PURDUE STARTERS: Four blacks/one white
(E'Twaun Moore , JaJuan Johnson, Keaton Grant, Lewis Jackson/Chris Kramer)
DUKE STARTERS: Three whites/two blacks
(Jon Scheyer, Kyle Singler, Brian Zoubek/Lance Thomas, Nolan Smith).
WHITEY FORD PICK: Duke. This is a tough one, as Kramer is the Boilermakers' best player (and a properly ripped Aryan soldier), plus they have a lot of white guys coming off the bench. But in the end...yeah, it's Duke. Duke!
DARK MAN X PICK: You know, I'm a little torn on this one. I'm gonna side with Purdue, but only because Coach K is a Nazi.
COMPLEX PICK: Purdue, 79-69. Really, we're gonna pick Duke? FOH.
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