Ah, the wonderful world of sports: the rare public stage on which blacks and whites coexist with some measure of equality. Refreshing! So, then—sports must be a gateway to racial understanding, yeah? NOPE! This is America, people! Miscegenation only leads to more animosity. Yeah, it's 2010, but race is still the elephant in the room. Just think: What if Mark McGwire was black? What if Michael Vick was white? What if Bob Costas had a dick? You get the picture. Mainstream media always tries to pooh-pooh the topic, but like a good scat video, Complex don't shy away from shit. So come over here, racial elephant—we're about to ride you 'til the fuckin' hooves fall off. That's right, it's time to play The Race Card, where Complex examines the week's biggest sports stories and gets resident race-baiters Dark Man X and Whitey Ford to break down the racial subtext...

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This is NOT the chick that Ben (allegedly) assaulted.

ISSUE: Ben Roethlisberger is accused of sexual assault in Georgia.

DARK MAN X SAYS: Pac-Man Jones so much as looks at a chick the wrong way and he's getting Goodell'ed for 10 games. Big White Ben is groping his way through America and it's not even the top story on Sportscenter? C'mon son.

WHITEY FORD SAYS: Dude, first of all: Big Ben is way too smart to get involved in something like this. Seriously, have you seen his Wonderlic scores??? Second: Mike Tomlin really needs to hold his players accountable. You can start the blame there.

COMPLEX SAYS: Wait a minute, getting domed out in a bar bathroom is illegal now? Uh-oh...

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Issue: Baylor's Brittney Griner suspended for socking Texas Tech's Jordan Barncastle in the nose.

DARK MAN X SAYS: Blondie couldn't handle Brittney's utter athletic dominance, so she reacted the way most Caucasoids do when threatened by the "other"—with some cheap, dirty shit. Then she got Snuffaluffagus'ed. Nothing to see here.

WHITEY FORD SAYS: That's what we call hard-nosed basketball folks—playing the right way, with tenacity and hea—wait, what? She's BLACK? Her name is Brittney! Oh, shit. Never mind. Thug!

COMPLEX SAYS: We need way more of this shit if we're gonna start paying attention to women's ball.

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ToriiHunter

Issue: Torii Hunter calls Dominicans "imposters," says they don't represent black people.

DARK MAN X: Divide and conquer, fucking brothers up since the slave trade. Thanks for making the devil happy, Torii.

WHITEY FORD SAYS: *Devilish laughter* We don't really give a cotton-pickin' hootenanny about separating the Manuels from the Maliks. If you're darker than Derek "Half-Amazing" Jeter, then you're BLACK, habla inglés or not. Meanwhile, enough of this "not enough blacks in MLB" crap. Face it: We're going to dominate any sport that involves skill, not violence or jumping.

COMPLEX SAYS: The real question is...can Fat Joe still drop the N-bomb?

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