Nothing But Nyet: Why NBA Players Will Love the Nets' New Russian Owner

HE'S NBA TALL.
• Money stacks aren't the only thing about the 6'8" Prokhorov that towers over people. Players will love an owner who can look them in the eye so the only time they have to bend over is during contract negotiations.

HE LOVES GUNS.
• Agent Zero brandished handguns in a locker room dispute? Prokhorov might be angry with him, but only because handguns are for women. The feisty Russian prefers the Kalashnikov assault rifle he proudly showed off on 60 Minutes. Shoot, he's got Jayson Williams thinking about coming out of retirement to play for the Nets again.

HE'S BEEN IN SHOOTOUTS. REAL ONES.
• Not only does Prokhorov like guns, he was a businessman when capitalism first hit Russia and suits were getting gunned down to settle disputes or help the mob muscle in. So yeah, he can relate to and forgive players who've shot or been shot at. BANG! That was the sound of Stephen Jackson busting off in his pants.

HE'S GOT REPORTERS SHOOK.
• In Russia, journalists who write stories that don't agree with rich, powerful men get feedback in the form of a bullet. Prokhorov plays down his political connections and denies criminal ties, but what media type is really trying to test that by writing a scathing piece about his players' work ethic, shot selection, or the nine children they've had with eight jumpoffs? Certainly not us, Mikhail! Go Nets!

HE'S A DAREDEVIL.
• Prokhorov loves to take calculated, potentially life-threatening risks, like racing around, doing flips on a jet ski. On his Nets, Monta Ellis wouldn't have to lie about spraining his ankle while riding a mo-ped, a risky (if kinda sweet) activity which is prohibited in player contracts. OK, he might have to lie about riding a mo-ped, but only so the boss wouldn't think he's a pussy.

HE'S A WORKOUT FIEND.
• Prokhorov, who studies martial arts (because simply being 6'8", wealthy, and powerful doesn't instill enough fear in people...), works out for two hours every day and has a state-of-the-art setup in his mansion. Every player on his Nets can expect their own luxurious workout facility in the rowhouse he'll give them for a locker.

HE'S RETARDED RICH.
• If anyone is going to understand a player like LeBron James, who built an eyebrow-raising mansion that has a bowling alley, theater, barber shop, and casino, it's the owner who's so wealthy that he doesn't bother to check how much money he has. That $45 million yacht? Throwaway, holmes.

HE GOES CLUBBING.
• If there's one place that every player loves to go, it's the club—especially if, you know, they're on leave for personal reasons like a sick child (Allen Iverson) or a death in the family (Zach Randolph). Like Ice Cube, Prokhorov be clubbin'. Not only that, but he keeps the VIP section stocked with eye candy. Which brings us to...

HE LOVES WOMEN.
• Swinging dick Prokhorov is living the life every NBA player wishes he were. He's got no wife and no end to the young women lining up for his ruble shot. What player isn't signing with the owner who caused a scandal at a French ski resort when he flew in hot hookers models to entertain guests? Based on that alone, he's "most valuable player" for life.

HE'S RUSSIAN..
• Da, you already know AK-47 is down.