Play Ball! Complex's 2009 MLB Playoff Preview

Play Ball! Complex's 2009 MLB Playoff Preview

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Philadelphia Phillies, 2008 World Series Champs.
After 162 games (with a plus 1 last night), the MLB playoffs are finally here. Regular season records and accolades go out the window today when the Rockies, Phillies, Twins, Yankees, Cardinals, and Dodgers begin postseason play (the Red Sox and Angels kick off their series tomorrow night).

Other sport sites are gonna base their predictions on things like "injuries" and "statistics" and other so-called meaningful metrics. To which we at Complex say (like an ump to Bobby Cox): "F*#% outta here." Instead, we've worked our predictions around the important things in baseball, the essentials like players' wifeys and 'roid usage. Read on for our in-depth forecast of this year's playoff action (check back in a couple weeks for our League Championship Series and World Series breakdowns)...

Twins-vs.-Yankees
MATCHUP: Yankees vs. Twins
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS: Derek Jeter's rumored to be engaged to Minka Kelly from "Friday Night Lights" while A-Rod and Kate Hudson have been going strong for most of the season. No, Hollywood types for the Twinkies, but closer Joe Nathan's wife, Lisa Nathan could touch 'em all for us. Advantage: Yankees
GOT JUICE?: A-Rod got the hook up from his cousin in the Dominican Republic back in '03; Andy Pettitte used the juice to "heal" when training with Roger Clemens back in '02. The Twins are reportedly clean as a whistle, with good reason—you can't even score bootleg Oxycontin in Minneapolis. Advantage: Yankees
ON THE FIELD: The Yankees have the best record in the MLB and home field advantage throughout the playoffs; the Twins won 17 of their last 21 games to come back and take the AL Central with a win over the Detroit Tigers in a one-game playoff last night. New York took the season series over Minnesota 7-0. Advantage: Yankees
PREDICTION: Yanks have the juice, home field, and better wifey game, while the Twins are probably still hung over from last night's victory. We're taking the Bronx Bombers in a sweep, 3-0
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angels-vs.-red-sox
MATCHUP: Red Sox vs. Angels
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS: Red Sox pitcher Clay Bucholz is reportedly engaged to former "Deal or No Deal" suitcase model and host of HDnet's "Get Out," Lindsay Clubine. Angels 2B Howie Kedrick's wife, Jody Kendrick. Advantage: Red Sox, slightly
GOT JUICE?: David "Big Papi" Ortiz was revealed to be one of the 103 positive tests in MLB's initial round of steroid screenings in 2003. Boston pitcher Paul Byrd is accused of spending nearly $25k on HGH and syringes from 2002 to 2005. (He later claimed it was for a tumor in his pituitary gland. Right, and we drink to "forget." Oh wait...) In 2007 Angels outfielder Gary Matthews Jr. was named in the Mitchell Report, garnering him the nickname Gary Matthews Juicer. Advantage: Red Sox
ON THE FIELD: The Sox rank 4th in batting average and slugging percentage but 16th in team ERA. The Angels are ranked 1st in team batting average and have the best record in the league next to the Yankees. Advantage: Angels
PREDICTION: Close but the Angels have better hitting and pitching by far. Pitching wins championships. Angels win in 5.
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dodgers-vs.-cardinals
MATCHUP: Dodgers vs. Cardinals
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS: Russell Martin dated Alyssa Milano (but who hasn't) and French Canadian model and actress Marikym Hervieux in February of 2009. Good Midwest boys that they are, the Cardinals aren't currently dating any celebrities (their mommas taught them not to cut for Barry Zito's sloppy seconds. Or Brad Penny's. Or Carl Pavano's. Or...you get the picture). Cardinals 3B Mark DeRosa's wife, Heidi DeRosa does make up for it though. Advantage: Cardinals
GOT JUICE?: Dodger Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in May, and L.A. pitcher Hong-Chih Kuo tested positive before joining the 2006 Asian games in Doha. A 2007 report said Cardinal Rick Ankiel received HGH in '04. Advantage: Dodgers
ON THE FIELD: Dodgers have the best home field record in the NL and lowest ERA in the league. The Cards only player with 100 RBI and at least 25 home runs is Albert Pujols. Advantage: Dodgers
PREDICTION: Dodgers have home field, more juice, and Alyssa Milano. Dodgers in 4.
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phillies-vs.-rockies
MATCHUP: Phillies vs. Rockies
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS: Phillies second baseman Chase Utley's wife, Jennifer Utley could field our slider in the dirt (so could Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki's fiancée, Danyll Gammon). But in the end, we have to hand it to Philly pitcher Cole Hamels' new bride Heidi Hamels who stripped for peanut butter and Oreos on Survivor season 6. Advantage: Phillies
GOT JUICE?: Phillies reliever J.C. Romero was suspended 50 games for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs this past offseason. The Rockies' Juan Rincon was suspended 10 games under the MLB drug policy in 2005, and reserve infielder Jason Giambi admitted to using several steroids in his 2003 grand jury testimony in the BALCO case. Advantage: Rockies
ON THE FIELD: The Phillies are ranked 21st in team batting average in 8th in team ERA. For the Rockies Todd Helton and Troy Tulowitzki carry the offense with HRs, RBIs and batting average, while three 15 game winners in the rotation help too. Plus, the Rox don't have Brad Lidge a.k.a. the Human Playoff Flaming Gas Can. Advantage: Rockies
PREDICTION: 'Roids + altitude - Lidge = the win. Rockies win in 5.

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Tags: a-rod, albert-pujols, derek-jeter, manny-ramirez, mlb, playoffs, wifey-showdown, baseball
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