NFL mini camps started up not long ago, and the big news over the weekend was Tennessee Titans fullback Lendale White, who showed up 30 pounds lighter than the 265 pounds he played at last year. And rather then credit his physical transformation to cardio work or yoga or marathon sex (or, at the very least, profusely apologizing after failing to deliver marathon sex), he went one better and claimed the he dropped the weight of a small child solely from forgoing tequila.
This raised a couple of questions for us: 1) how much fucking tequila do you DRINK, dude?, and 2) is this the first time someone's dropped so much weight in a single offseason? The answers are: 1) no idea, and 2) no! In fact, he's the latest in a long(ish) line of people to lose a good deal of weight in a short time! And we found some more! And are very excited about it! Read on to read the miracle diet tips that have us so excited!
Team: Toronto Maple Leafs
Circumstances: Leafs owner Conn Smythe was concerned about his star goalie's girth (ayo!), so he challenged Broda to lose a pound a day for a week.
Pounds Dropped: 7—but in a week? That's Jessica Simpson numbers.
Miracle Diet: Grapefruit and soft-boiled eggs. AKA "The Wilford Brimley."
Circumstances: After getting dropped from the Orlando Magic in '03, getting arrested on drug charges, and ballooning up to 330, the busiest baby daddy in the league took it upon himself to to get in shape for a comeback with the Nuggets.
Pounds Dropped: 75, allegedly, including a difficult-to-believe 11.5% body fat.
Miracle Diet: Crack and unprotected sex! AKA "The Flavor Flav." No, no, that's not right. It's "Strapping weights to your ankles and running hills, and eating oatmeal three times a day," AKA "The Madonna In Preparation For Her 75th Birthday."
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Circumstances: Pitchers are often fat fucks, but not when they're only 28. Plus, all that extra weight was hampering his wife beatings.
Pounds Dropped: 30
Miracle Diet: Eating well and working out. AKA the "That's Boring, Now Stop Beating Your Wife."
Team: Miami Heat
Circumstances: After the Heat got him from the Lakers, team management asked The Big Aristotle to slim it down like his wife slimmed down his bank account.
Pounds Dropped: 40
Miracle Diet: Eating fewer tiny humanoids, AKA "The Cloverfield."
Team: Tennessee TItans
Circumstances: White had always been a truck since his USC days, but he'd lost a step and wasn't doing much for the TItans ground game.
Pounds Dropped: 30
Miracle Diet: Tequila, no mas! AKA "The No Way, Jose."