Nobody's ever accused football players of being the sharpest cheeses in the larder, but we're thinking Plaxico Burress may be the dumbest yet. You'll recall that last fall, Plax shot himself in the leg at a New York nightclub; now Manhattan DA Robert Morgenthau is saying that Burress can expect at least two years in prison for the mishap. Stupid Plax! He could've killed somebody and done half the time!
We don't want to trivialize unregistered gun usage, but plenty of athletes have done far worse and done far less time than Burress. And we definitely aren't in favor of locking more people up, but if the former Giants receiver is getting two years, we've got 5 Athletes Who Should Be Doing More Time Than Plaxico...
5. TONYA HARDING
CRIME: Conspiring to assault opponent Nancy Kerrigan
PUNISHMENT: 3 years probation, 500 hours community service, and $160,000 fine
• While Burress is staring down a bid at Sing-Sing for kneecapping himself, Harding kneecapped her opponent and ended up with a weed whacker at some cemetery. If it's any consolation to Plax, at least he won't have to face Tonya's post-conviction white trash spiral of sex tapes, DUIs, and prescription drug abuse. We hope.
4. JIM LEYRITZ
CRIME: Vehicular homicide while driving drunk with a suspended license
PUNISHMENT: 10 days in county jail
• So let's see here: Leyritz kills somebody, blames them for it, and gets 10 days. If it's any consolation to Plax, at least he's not going to hell.
3. DONTÃ‰ STALLWORTH
CRIME: DUI and second degree manslaughter
PUNISHMENT: 30 days in jail (24 served), 1,000 hours of community service, 2 years of house arrest, and 8 years probation
• Stallworth pleaded guilty to the charges and reached a settlement with the victim's family, but no amount of community service will change the fact that dude mowed down an innocent construction worker with his Bentley. Of course using the Plaxico example, if Stallworth had run over his own foot with the Bentley, then he'd really be in trouble.
2. LEONARD LITTLE
CRIME: Vehicular manslaughter while driving drunk
PUNISHMENT: 90 days in jail, 4 years probation, and 1000 hours of community service
• The poster dude for NFL DUI fuckery, Little took a slap on the wrist for drunkenly running over and killing a young woman. He was then arrested again for speeding and driving drunk and walked away with only the misdemeanor charge of speeding.
1. O.J. SIMPSON
Double homicideFailing to find the real killers
PUNISHMENT: $12.5 million fine in a civil suit
• Ok, ok, so O.J. was never convicted, but if he did it, he got away with a doozy. Wait, they've never actually proved that it was Plax's DNA on that gun, now have they!