David Stern to Kobe and LeBron: Please don't turn your backs on me!
Like Shaq shooting free throws, NBA Commissioner David Stern is shitting a brick. All season long, it's seemed a foregone conclusion that the renewal of the Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers rivalry last year would be followed by a marquee match-up of the league's two biggest stars, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, in the 2009 NBA Finals. The Commish was no doubt creaming in his suit pants just thinking about it. The same goes for the folks at Nike and Vitamin Water, who've been churning out ads playing up the superstar showdown. That's a lot of cream, and now somebody's going to need to mop it all up, because Carmelo Anthony's Denver Nuggets are knocking Kobe around in the Western Conference Finals like they want to pay him back for that Colorado rape trial and Dwight Howard's Orlando Magic have pushed the Cavs to the brink of elimination in the East and made it look like King James got his crown from Burger King.
With a Cavaliers-Lakers Finals in doubt, the NBA suddenly has to scramble to sell alternative match-ups that are about as sexy as Chyna with a raging case of (manly) female gonorrhea. Though we enjoy seeing Puppetmaster Stern squirm when the magnets in the balls and his team of crooked refs fail to determine the outcomes of series, Complex wants other sports fans to know that all is not lost! Check out 5 awesome story lines that a commercial announcer could play up in an overly dramatic voice should LeBron or Kobe or both fail to make it to the trophy round. Keep the cream alive!
SUPER DUPED: DWIGHT "SUPERMAN" HOWARD VS. ALTITUDE!
• Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! And able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! But how will our fearless hero deal with (gasp) shortness of breath in the Rocky Mountains?? Will he be able to muster the energy to swing his elbows at opponents' heads?? Tune in and find out!
PORN OHS!: STAN "RON JEREMY" VAN GUNDY VS. KENYON "BRIAN PUMPER" MARTIN!
• It is the NBA's dirtiest, darkest secret! For years, Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has been living a double life, panicking under the bright lights of NBA arenas and penetrating under the bright lights of porn sets as his alter ego, "The Hedgehog" Ron Jeremy! But a new man has emerged, playing ball in both courts! He is Denver Nugget Kenyon Martin, better known as Brian Pumper! With their secret identities revealed, who will embrace their true nature and go strong to the hole to sexually dominate the NBA Finals? Tune in and find out!
DIESEL FUEL: STAN VAN GUNDY & KOBE BRYANT VS. SHAQ
• Two men, divided by team allegiances but united by a mutual hatred for that super-sized prick, Big Shaqtus! Stan is nervously sweating the title Shaq bestowed upon him: Master of Panic! Kobe still can't get the taste of Shaq's ass out of his mouth! When Shaq Fu makes a courtside appearance in L.A. and gets a standing ovation (and several ovulation invitations), will they crumble before his mighty media sound bytes and passable rap skills or will they combine their bitching and moaning in a mighty whine that turns the Diesel into a puttering hybrid? Tune in and find out!
LADY LUCK: SASHA VUJACIC & SHANNON BROWN VS. COURTNEY LEE & J.J. REDICK
• The racial barrier has been broken! The ethnic divide too! Now, the gender barrier falls as WNBA superstars break into the biggest series in the once male-dominated NBA! Will Sasha and Shannon synch their menstrual cycles in time to stop Courtney and J.J. from becoming the first women to win an NBA title? Can Sasha find the right pant suit for her post-game interviews? Will the rash in J.J.'s vagina prevent her from contributing? Tune in and find out! (Oh, wait. They're men? They just have girl's names? Nevermind.)
SPLITTING HAIRS: CHRIS ANDERSEN VS. ANDERSON VAREJAO
• One name in common spelled slightly differently! That's where the similarities end! Andersen prefers a spiky faux-hawk! Anderson likes long, curly Brazilian surfer style! When these two role players meet on the hardwood, it's always a sticky situation (mostly because of the pomade)! Whose hair will emerge victorious? Whose fans will spend more on replica wigs? Who will win the NBA's ultimate prize, an endorsement deal with Vidal Sassoon? Tune in and find out!