When Caucasoids Attack: Basketball's Swaggerific White Boys

When Caucasoids Attack: Basketball's Swaggerific White Boys

baller
Lost in the mind-numbing length (ayo!) of the 6-OT UConn-Syracuse game last night was the spectacle of 'Cuse's Eric Devendorf thuggin' out until he fouled out: jumping on the scorer's table and getting his Garnett on; talking trash after draining a three; basically acting all kinds of melanin-non-deficient. Add in the Jon B. beard and the "blaccent," and you've got yourself a white rapper who doesn't rap.

Deven the dude isn't the first of his kind, though'not by a long shot. So while everyone's flapping their jaws today talking about the game's ultimate outcome, we're gonna send you off into the weekend with a full taxonomy of the species Swaggus Blancus Roundballimus...

andersen
CHRIS ANDERSEN
Alma Mater: Blitt College. Yeah, neither have we.
Swagger Points: The enormous HONKY TONK stomach tattoo. Cotdamn, that shit is questionable.
White Rapper Equivalent: Mad Child of Canadian underground staples Swollen Members (ayo!). It's almost eerie.

bird
LARRY BIRD
Alma Mater: Indiana State. Sycamores, thun!
Swagger Points: Telling ESPN, "I didn't care who guarded me ' red, yellow, black. I just didn't want a white guy guarding me, because it's disrespect to my game." Whooooo!
White Rapper Equivalent: Fellow pioneer (and hater of all other white colleagues) MC Serch.

boucher
GRAYSON BOUCHER aka THE PROFESSOR
Alma Mater: Chemeketa Community College--but nothing can compare to the playground (you knooooooow?)!
Swagger Points: And1 token turned film-starring phenomenon.
White Rapper Equivalent: Quiet, with a nasty handle? More black fans than white ones? We smell a Bubba Sparxxx on this one.

chapman
REX CHAPMAN
Alma Mater: Kentucky.
Swagger Points: Real talk: for the '80s? This ish was as brolic as it got.
White Rapper Equivalent: T-Ray from the White Boys. No, for real.

devendorf
ERIC DEVENDORF
Alma Mater: Syracuse
Swagger Points: Jon B. beard? Check. Tattoos? Check. Baby mama? Check. Smacking women? Check!
White Rapper Equivalent: Lil Wyte! That good ol' aggro, I-only-know-black-folks hip-hop.

miller
BRAD MILLER
Alma Mater: Purdue
Swagger Points: Early headband adopter; "I just got back from Spring Break" corn rows.
White Rapper Equivalent: Overgrown low-poster Danny Boy!

sura
BOB SURA
Alma Mater: Florida State
Swagger Points: Fucked around and got the first triple-double in the history of FSU. Young splashy splash!
White Rapper Equivalent: '90s (brief) sensation who's not so much visible in the game anymore (at least not in hip-hop)? Ali Dee!

williams
JASON WILLIAMS
Alma Mater: Florida
Swagger Points: He'll see your HONKY TONK, Chris Andersen, and raise you some WHITE BOY knuckle tattoos.
White Rapper Equivalent: Bleached hair, belligerent, arguably the first pro baller to be white and truly hip-hop, considering a comeback...hmmm...any ideas?

Tags: bob-sura, brad-miller, chris-andersen, eric-devendorf, jason-williams, larry-bird, rex-chapman, the-professor
blog comments powered by Disqus