Michael Irvin learns how to play defense.
If there was any doubt that the Dallas Cowboys are America's team, they were squashed Monday night when Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin wiggled out of an attempted robbery in Big D because the would-be stickup men were Cowboys fans.
After the pair pulled up to the famous athlete at a stop light, they rolled down the window and the Irvin rolled his down too, thinking they were ball-fondling fans. Well, it turns out they were; after sticking a gun in his face they realized who he was and deaded the robbery, instead talking to the Cowboy great about their favorite team. Score one for the Cowboys! Complex imagines the conversation that might have taken place...
DRIVER: [Rolls down window. Motions for Michael Irvin to do the same.] Hey! Hey!
MICHAEL IRVIN: [Rolls down window.] Hey fellas. I don't have a Sharpie on me but if y'all give me one I'll gladly write somethin' generic on your most prized possessions.
PASSENGER: [Points gun at him.] I see your ears shinin'! Gimme all them hos!
MICHAEL IRVIN: Huh?! I said I'd sign autographs for you!
PASSENGER: [Turns to driver.] Oh, that's Michael Irvin, with the Dallas Cowboys!
DRIVER: What?! We can't rob him! I'm a huge Cowboys fan! If we rob him I bet we go another decade without winning a playoff game. Hell naw! Mr. Irvin, it is truly an honor to meet you!
MICHAEL IRVIN: Uh, the pleasure is all mine, son.
DRIVER: I know all the arrest records you broke by heart! I don't think anybody's ever gonna top you for the most hookers and blow involved in a single arrest!
MICHAEL IRVIN: Thank you... That was a...very proud moment for me.
DRIVER: Hey listen, would you mind talkin' in the third person for us?
MICHAEL IRVIN: Not at all. Michael Irvin would appreciate it if your friend lowered his gun. Michael Irvin is trying hard not to soil himself here.
PASSENGER: Of course. [Puts his gun away.] Sorry, Mr. Irvin.
DRIVER: So, wha' ha'nin with the Cowboys this year? We were favored to win the whole thang and instead we go 9-7 and don't even make the dang playoffs.
MICHAEL IRVIN: I think maybe there was just too much inner turmoil. You know, back when Troy, Emmitt and I were winning rings, everybody got along.
PASSENGER: Right. But ain't you stab Everett McIver in the neck with scissors in training camp 'cause he wouldn't give up the barber's chair, even though he was in the middle of getting his hair cut?
MICHAEL IRVIN: Well yeah, but y'know, you have to teach a team about things like seniority and respect and the importance of keeping Michael Irvin's hair tight at all times. That's something that the great Jimmy Johnson taught me.
DRIVER: I can see that. Whatchu think 'bout T.O.? He talks bigger'n Texas but comes up smaller than an Oriental.
MICHAEL IRVIN: He's no Michael Irvin, I'll tell you that much. T.O. drops more balls than old age or thangs like that.
PASSENGER: I'm not convinced he line dances straight, either, y'know? Remember how he was cryin' for [Tony] Romo last year when the Giants and the retarded Manning brother beat 'em?
PASSENGER: And now he's actin' like a jealous woman, talkin' 'bout Romo and [Jason] Whitten been meetin' secretly without him. He datin' Romo or somethin'?
MICHAEL IRVIN: Far as I know, Romo is still stickin' the hot cattle prod to Jessica [Simpson] but maybe she's just hangin' 'round the 'Boys cause her daddy pimped her out to Jerry [Jones], that ol' poon hound.
DRIVER: Talkin' 'bout balls hittin' the flo'! But I thought Jones was makin' that porker Wade Phillips squeal. Can't see any other reason he'd keep him around 'sides that fleshy ass he got.
MICHAEL IRVIN: HA! HA! Well, if he's smart, Jones'll hire Michael Irvin to turn them 'Boys 'round in '09.
DRIVER & PASSENGER: Already!
MICHAEL IRVIN: Glad I've got y'alls vote.
DRIVER: Hey listen, we're really sorry for pullin' the thang on you, Mr. Irvin. We don't wanna keep you any longer now. You been real cool.
MICHAEL IRVIN: It's no problem, fellas. I wasn't really that scared no how. I seen worse. If there's anything I learned from my old coach Barry Switzer, it's always keep a pistol on your person'even when going through airport security. I'm just glad Michael Irvin didn't shoot two of his biggest fans!