At Sneaker Report, we spend a lot of time looking at the best sneakers and telling you where to get said gear. Rarely do we take a moment to advise you where NOT to purchase your kicks. There are many times in life when an opportunity presents itself, when someone swears up and down they've found you a good deal, and you think you are at the right place at the right time. As soon was you make the purchase, you regret it until the soles wear out of those damn sneakers. In hopes of providing you with a little consumer protection, here are the The 10 Worst Places to Buy Sneakers.
No. 10 - Wal-Mart / K-Mart
Well, really, any place with “Mart” at the end. The only kicks you can buy here are velcro and would only be fashionable in a nursing home. If that is your style, good luck finding anyone to assist you, as the employees are too busy working in four other departments or are exhausted from being locked in all-night. But, the good news is that you can find these shirts to go with your ill-fitting, shoddily made shoes.
No. 9 - Chinatown
Next time you are in New York and your Mom decides to head downtown to get some knock-off Louis Vuitton purses, do you best to resist joining her on a sneaker hunt. You might end up with sneakers as legit as the shoes pictured above. Here’s a tip: if you have to talk to a guy who brings you to a dude who takes you to man who brings you into a room of shoes … something might be wrong here.
No. 8 - From those weird ads on Facebook
Okay, so we’ve never actually clicked on them either, mainly because we aren’t stupid, but nothing good can come of this. It is hard to imagine a legitimate enterprise would need to hi-jack your aunt’s facebook account to tell you about their offerings. There just has to be better form of advertising. Don’t these people know that we don’t listen to our Facebook friends' suggestions anyway? If we did, then our days would be consumed with cupcake recipes from Pinterest, pictures of Megan Fox, and those “some e-cards” things … Okay, maybe we do listen to our friends on Facebook but these sneaker ads are still whack.
No. 7 - Out of the trunk of a car
The only things you should be buying out of a motor vehicle are ice cream and narcotics. What makes you think that someone who was able to make a bunch of Jordans fall off of a truck is going to fair with you in their business dealings? And what are you going to do if they don’t fit or they fall apart, return them? The man’s got a getaway vehicle right there. If you were already dumb enough to buy shoes from a parking lot shop, take solace in that fact that you aren't this dumb.
No. 6 - From a SoHo Boutique
At Sneaker Report, we support you having the flyest kicks, but let’s be realistic here. You are on a budget. Do you really need diamond encrusted soles? Are sneakers lined with baby yak fur really going to help you spit game? We know that you want to compete with the Wall Street hot shots and media moguls at the club, but while the shoes might make the man, make sure that the man can afford the shoes.
No. 5 - Military Supply Store
We don’t know why we came into this military supply store in the first place, and we don't know why this military supply store sells sneakers in addition to the standard combat boots, but we do know we’ll never try this again. The PTSD flashbacks of the staff make it a challenge to get quality customer service. When we asked for a 10½ instead of an 11, the guy at the counter shouted, “you think you’ve got problems man! I’ve seen my best friends die face down in the muck” … It was about that time we knew that we should shop elsewhere.
No. 4 - From a Mythical Creature
Whenever a witch, a genie, a wizard or any other mythical figure offers you something, remember that you will have to give up something in return. We repeat, there are almost certainly strings attached. Even if you don’t foresee having children, it is never good to promise them your first born. And even if shoes seem magical, there is probably a catch to the shoes themselves. Maybe they’ll make you dance forever or make you lose your voice or turn your ass into a toad. Look, we don’t know what will happen, but no good can come of it. So, if some Rumpelstiltskin looking dude tries to sell you some kicks, don’t do it!
No. 3 - Yard Sale
We know it is tempting when you see like-new sneakers just sitting on some lady’s front lawn, but you need to ask yourself a question: if they are in such good shape, how come she’s selling them? In the age of the internet, anything worth selling is sold on ebay. If that isn't enough to stop you from front yard bargain hunting, remember that it is possible that you are buying a dead man’s shoes, which has to carry some sort of bad karma. If you are going to haunted by a ghost, at least have it be for something awesome like sleeping with his widow or finding his buried treasure.
No. 2 - From an Infomercial
Remember this late at night as you stare drunkenly at your television: the sneaker has pretty much perfected and if it going to get better, you won’t hear about it a 3 am on paid programming. Whether the shoe promises to make you run faster, make your feet cleaner, make you look sexier, or make you invisible, it is probably not true. Don’t “act now”; instead, let the impulse to buy pass and think before you dial that toll-free number.
No. 1 - From the Guy at work who “knows a guy”
We all have that co-worker who is always telling us how he can get us a deal on this or that. When was the last time you found out about a great deal and did anything other than keep the knowledge to yourself? Either these guys are super charitable or they are just trying to get a small kick-back from their boy who has some shady internet business. Doing business with friends at work is the worst thing you can do other than sleeping with somebody from work. And at least when you have that co-worker one-night stand, you both get screwed.