You've maybe heard that the Golden Globes refer to themselves as "the party of the year," a statement that is both true and false. On one hand, Globe attendees are allowed to drink, so the awards show is comparably entertaining. Then again, it's an awards show, and there's definitely a cap on how fun those things can be. Also? It's fucking January; you can't say a thing is the "thing of the year" eleven months before that year ends. That's just cocky.
But it's 2017—new year, new me—and I promised to be more positive. So let's celebrate the fun part of the Golden Globes and highlight all the very fancy celebrities who were very drunk.
My guy may not have been drunk on the red carpet, but this is very much a "jfc I wish I slammed Henny in the limo" face.
Jenna Bush Hager
"you're nominated for Hidden Fences" pic.twitter.com/7My6dtEkbG— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 9, 2017
It's Hidden FIGURES, George W. Bush's daughter. This was almost as embarrassing as the time your pops choked on a pretzel.
someone fucked up pic.twitter.com/SmSqokotnG— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) January 9, 2017
Because again, IT IS HIDDEN FIGURES. People shouldn't be this confused by two movies that star black people and share a consonant.
Billy Bob Thornton
When they announced Billy's nomination, the camera cut to my guy and he was very thirstily whispering in a woman's ear. Then he actually won, and his acceptance speech was even more bizarre. You knew Billy was on one after you saw those sunglasses, though.
Seems like a safe assumption. But I mean, can you blame him?
Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer may have been doing a bit when they presented the award for best actor in a comedy. But if not, holy shit, Goldie was the drunkest. She was Old Hollywood drunk—like, "if I crash a car into a children's hospital some shady fixer will make it disappear" drunk.
I remember the first time I tried to rest my hand on my chin. (Also, this hand-fumbling happened smack dab in the middle of Meryl Streep's speech about how bullying disabled people is bad. Look at Mel like, "What is this novel concept!?")
After Meryl Streep repeated his Trump joke (about how "Hollywood Foreign Press" are Republicans' three least favorite words) and got a way bigger laugh, House MD was ready to turn up.
"I am very excited and on my way to being pleasantly intoxicated." -- Hugh Laurie just now on E!— Jen Chaney (@chaneyj) January 9, 2017
No word yet on how intoxicated House got, but I know that if I watched myself get Dane Cook'ed at the Golden Globes, all bets would be off.
The dudes you avoid at a party when it gets late pic.twitter.com/41aVdiWJtQ— Emma Fraser (@frazbelina) January 9, 2017
TOM BRADY TOM BRADY DEFLATEGATE ROGAH GOODELL FAHKING M.I.T., Casey and Ben Affleck yelled to anyone who would listen.
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Pictured above: Cuba Gooding Jr., also known as that guy who once tried to eat another man's cell phone.