Amy Schumer's first-ever HBO stand-up comedy special (directed by Chris Rock) debuted last night, and if you were too busy living life outside your home to catch it at 10 p.m., or too busy watching Larry David play Bernie Sanders on SNL to catch the replay, you missed something, well, special.
Luckily, this thing will probably be re-running like crazy for the next few months, and it's already on HBO Go, but if you're looking for a little something quick just to whet your appetite for more, here are five moments that jumped out at me.
The very first thing that came out of her mouth when the show started:
“I made two New Year’s resolutions. No. 1, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And No. 2 was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and make it not look like I blew my nose in it.”
When she was talking about having friends that keep up with the news when you don't:
"They were all very upset about Ferguson and I was like, 'I know. I can't believe he left the show.' "
Her thoughts on the modern American film classic Zookeeper:
“That movie’s about talking animals — there’s a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed-and-breakfast — but that’s not the most unrealistic part of that movie. It’s Rosario pretending — she should get an Oscar for that f—ing movie. Let’s see Meryl do that. I dare you, Meryl! Pretend like you’re dying to have Kevin James deep-dick you. I dare you. It’s f*cked up in Hollywood.”
The difference between what life is like for her in Los Angeles vs. NYC:
“Everyone is hot in L.A. My arms register as legs there. My legs register as firewood.”
Talking about that time her male friend met Kate Upton and thought she was sooo funny:
“I’m like, ‘What did she say that was so funny?’ And he was like, ‘Well, we were talking about playing pool later, and she was like, ‘Get ready to lose.’ I was like, ‘Oh, when’s her hour special coming out on HBO?’ F*ck you. Wouldn’t that have gone so different if it were just like a normal-looking girl? ‘Get ready to lose.’ They would have been like, ‘Did you hear that c*nt?’ But instead they were like, ‘Oh my God, you should be Seinfeld!’ “
And bonus, this part when she compared 20s dating to picking up dead fish.
