As a Southerner, I know that Sunday is The Lord's day. As I've grown up I have distanced myself from The Church, but that doesn't mean I don't try to take care of myself spiritually. “Going to church” doesn’t necessarily have to be, well, going to church. For instance, the strip club is Future’s church (“I paid my tithes to them strippers, bought a bitch a purse”). My personal church is listening to Young Thug in the parking lot of the West Columbia, S.C. Lowe’s in the early morning… there is just something about Thugger’s frenetic energy that gets me so psyched to complete some DIY projects around the house. It cleanses my soul.
As I sat for 15 minutes waiting for an employee to unlock the pine needle trailer, I noticed what I thought was just a family reunion of rednecks hanging out and sharing their best dip techniques.
Soon though, the entire cavalry rode in.
The Lowe’s employee, the one opening the pine needle trailer, was very nervous because her truck was parked out where the other ones were parked and didn’t want “any racists to touch it.” I got my pine needles and tried to leave, but had to wait until this procession of secession left. I waited for about five minutes as Stars and Bars after Stars and Bars disobeyed the proper traffic patterns of a parking lot. Then, a confederate in a Dodge Stratus saw me, another white man presumably being oppressed by the liberal media, and waved me in. I didn’t exactly want to be waved in, but there were still 15 cars to go and I needed lay these pine needles before it got too hot outside. My instincts kicked in. I rolled down all my windows and turned up “Nigeria” by Young Thug, Gucci Mane and Peewee Longway. I waved at the oppressed white man to thank him (I may not respect his ideology but as a Southerner manners are subconscious).
There have been no reports in the city of any staged protests or rallies. I’m not sure where these people are going or what they are doing. Hopefully, they find their way to the closest sinkhole and drive directly into it. It does look like this “meet up in a parking lot of a large corporation and ride out” thing seems to be a concerted event across states though. This tweet is from someone in Warrensburg, Missouri, this morning:
CONFEDERATE FLAGS in the burg smh #UCM pic.twitter.com/6FH9jqKqS1
I can only hope that one of them heard the dulcet crooning of Young Thug and abandoned their misguided fight for “heritage.” My only regret was that I didn’t have “I Know There's Gonna Be (Good Times)” cued up to the pussy stroller line. Maybe next time. Truly eradicating racism will be a long and arduous task but I think the more we can incorporate Young Thug, the faster it will happen.
