The United States taking down FIFA, the world's governing body of soccer, is like Kesha arresting a bunch of bankers for commodity fraud, says John Oliver. In last night's episode of Last Week, Oliver explains his surprise at the U.S./Kesha in this extended analogy: "Wow Kesha, I actually did not think this was an interest of yours! But you've been undeniably effective. Tenacious prosecution, K!"
Truthfully, the U.S. hasn't cared much about soccer until recently—but Oliver actually begs the American government to keep digging and indict Sepp Blatter, the man who's been president of FIFA for 17 years. "I don’t think you would understand how much that would mean for everyone on earth," says Oliver.
But Oliver doesn't stop there with his petition; he addresses the people with real money—brands. Appealing to FIFA sponsors, Oliver says he will do anything to make Blatter go away.
"Adidas, I will wear one of your ugly shoes that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs. McDonalds, I will take a bite out of every item on your dollar menu, which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard. [...] Budweiser, if you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I will personally drink one of your disgusting items," says Oliver.
"It can be a Bud Light. I will even drink a Bud Light Lime," says Oliver, even though he describes the beer as tasting like a puddle found under a Long John Silver's dumpster.
So these are the stakes, people. Help get rid of Blatter, or live in a world in which the planet's most popular sport is insanely corrupt—and John Oliver is not embarrassing himself on live television.
