Was 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' Actually Scary (Or Were You Just a P***y)?

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Scare Factor: 1 out of 5 Windex Spewing Clowns

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"The Tale of the Ghastly Grinner" is remembered as one of the scariest episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, but that may be because it's among the most tightly structured or because the Grinner spewing blue liquid is a truly terrifying image, even if it only lasts for a few seconds. In the episode, a boy's frustrated artistic ambitions manifest themselves when one of his creations comes to life and terrorizes his town. You've got the negative parents, the cool mentor, the romantic interest/girl next door who truly believes in the artist, and every other trope that belongs in stories like these. To defeat the Ghastly Grinner, our hero must put pencil to paper and push through his artistic frustrations.

With a tidy metaphor and an age-old theme, "The Ghastly Grinner" is effective. However, if you're counting on a creepy court jester spitting Windex to strike fear into the hearts of an adult audience, you're asking a lot.

Scare Factor: 1 out of 5 Doll Girls

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Some episodes of this low budget series show their seams more than others, "The Tale of the Doll Maker" being a prime example. The perfectly creepy premise is a portal that turns children into dolls and traps them forever in an attic doll house. When you have to wait 15 minutes into a half-hour episode to see doll-child action, you get bored. Clumsy direction and poor acting weigh down an episode that already suffers from dangling a premise that the budget can't quite deliver.

By the time you get to the incredibly predictable ending, you're left wondering what could've been with more money and a better paced plot. Yes, the doll-girl is creepy as shit, but definitely not worth the wait.

Scare Factor: 0 out of 5 Clown Dolls

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Just like children's shows of any genre, Are You Afraid of the Dark? is at its worst when the show resorts to easy moralizing instead of telling a compelling story. A douchey younger brother jacks the money his older brother saved for their mom's birthday present and proceeds to be a heinous prick. Predictably, he gets his comeuppance. 

However, there are two things to love in this episode. First, the Canadian accents are on point. The entire series was shot in Canada, but in this episode in particular, there is some serious "abooting" going on, and it's beautiful. Secondly, the phrase "terd face" is deployed with full force. Sadly, that is about all that can be said for the dialogue in this episode.

Scare Factor: 2 out of 5 Silent Film Vampires

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An aging, foppish thespian and a struggling indie theater feel more like ingredients for a Sundance darling than a scary TV show. This episode focuses on a boy's struggle to save his beloved movie theater from the encroaching multiplexes. Nosferatu is name-dropped, a monolog singing the praises of film houses that play the classics is shoehorned in, and of course, the greed of the classless owner who has no taste for old movies brings about the episode's terrors. Throw in a manic pixie dream girl and some mumbling, and you've got the perfect IFC show, but you definitely don't have much in the way of horror.

Scare Factor: 2 out of 5 Chilly Ghouls

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When you see "special guest Melissa Joan Hart" pop up on OG Nickelodeon, you know that a show is pulling out all the stops. Oddly, the casting department decided to put TV veteran Hart against two over-the-top theatrical actresses in the roles of creepy aunts (Could they be witches?!). This tension lends the episode an air of ridiculousness instead of the intended spookiness. It doesn't help that the aunts tell the kids that the monster-of-the-week ghost isn't that dangerous about halfway through the episode.

Scare Factor: 3 out of 5 Woodsy Witches

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Borrowing the plot of Deliverance, but replacing hillbillies with witches worked pretty well for this episode. The limited setting prevented the production value problems that often sink Are You Afraid of the Dark? episodes. Instead, the production team focused on the kind of camera placement and cutting that successful horror depends on. The witches also turn in some solid performances, which are far less hammy than the displays by many adult actors on AYAOTD. 

Scare Factor: 0 out of 5 Vampiric RNs

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The first rule of horror: If your monster isn't actually that scary, avoid showing it as long as possible. Shortly into this episode, that rule is broken when we get a full-on view of our monster of the week—a vampire that is half-crypt-keeper-half-Halloween-decoration. Once the underwhelming monster is revealed, it is up to its victims to bring the scares. A green ensemble of teen actors doesn't quite pull off the combination of bloodlust and cold inhumanity required of newly minted vampires.

Scare Factor: 4 out of 5 Creepy Ass Clowns

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Early on, Are You Afraid of the Dark? found a winning formula of creating maximum suspense on a shoestring budget. "The Tale of Laughing in the Dark" limited its locations, utilized tight shots, and refused to show us the week's monster at all. The result is a funhouse terror tale that builds suspense with enclosed spaces and an aura of mystery. Are You Afraid of the Dark? never quite reaches the fear factor that adult horror films provide, but this episode comes closest to a start-to-finish suspenseful story.

Scare Factor: 2 out of 5 Pool Zombies

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It only took five seasons for Are You Afraid of the Dark? to come up with a legitimately scary special effects monster. The bloody ghost featured in this episode is terrifying. Its scare potential is wasted, however, as this story is more romance than horror. The dual protagonists, a bookish nerd and a popular swimmer, unite to defeat the monster and then become high school sweethearts. 

Though this episode isn't scary, you do end up rooting for these crazy kids. Relationships that begin with a bloody monster are destined to last.

Scare Factor: 3 out of 5 Ghost Children

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This story has a few surefire scary components. Abandoned house? Check. Emaciated ghost child? Check. Creepy shit written on walls? Check. The episode shies away from its terror potential when it becomes a morality tale about being nice to people, but there are still some very creepy moments along the way. The only ghost children in history who haven't scared the Hell out of you at first sight have been Casper and Cosette from Les Miserables.

Scare Factor: 0 out of 5 Monkey Paw Knock-offs

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The first time you encounter a version of W.W. Jacobs' famous short story "The Monkey's Paw," it is a memorably creepy experience, whether your first pawing involves the original story or with The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror episode. Revisiting the Are You Afraid of the Dark? take on the classic tale as an adult likely means that this is your umpteenth time recounting the premise. You go in knowing that the mildly creepy moments will all be reversed when our heroes learn the valuable lesson that you should always be careful what you wish for, and you are left remembering all the times you've seen this bit done better.

Scare Factor: 0 out of 5 Enchanted Pinball Machines

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This was the episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? that stuck with me throughout my childhood, haunting the moments between Gogurt commercials for much of my young life. I never forgot the sight of the giant pinball cresting the escalator, about to do its best Indiana Jones impression on our trapped hero.

Revisiting this episode, I realize that it was more fantasy than horror from the beginning, with a lesson about playing too many video games thrown in for good measure. Though there is some strong imagery, my childhood fear of a shopping mall pinball attack was formed from a decidedly unscary episode. What I'm trying to say is that back then I was kind of a little bitch.

Scare Factor: 0 out of 5 Uncoordinated Aliens

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Rather than attempt to actually scare viewers, this episode actively caters to that most dependable of TV audiences: nerds. It isn't that our heroine is just an uncoordinated gym class zero. She is actually an alien who isn't used to earthly games like floor hockey. When her alien family comes down from the heavens for a visit, they reveal her hidden brilliance and try to take her back to the home planet.

If any young nerds are reading, know this: Yes, you will find your people sooner or later, especially if you go to art school or move to some bohemian shithole loft after you graduate. But, you will still be shitty at sports your entire life. Even if we do eventually have alien games, you'll be shitty at those too.

Scare Factor: 1 out of 5 Ghost Hotties

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When Are You Afraid of the Dark? finally took on love, the show came to play. And althhough "The Tale of the Dream Girl" is one of the best acted and best paced episodes of the series, it definitely isn't anywhere near the scariest. The episode did inspire The Sixth Sense though, so that has to count for something.

Watching this episode got me thinking about whether or not I would consider advances of a ghost. At this point, I swipe right on literally every potential Tinder match, so, honestly, I would probably go for it. Johnny is able to touch Donna, so presumably, they could ... touch (if you know what I mean), as well.

Ghost sex is a good deal all around. If a girl comes for you from beyond the grave, you knows she's committed. Also, you have to imagine the odds of STDs or unwanted pregnancy are miniscule. And there wouldn't be any new lovers for you to get jealous of, but you might have to worry about the "unfinished business" they're sticking around for. What's the worst that could happen? She could haunt you? That wouldn't even register on the messy break-up scale.

Scare Factor: 0 out of 5 Douche Detectives

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Anthology series are tough, and even the most original among them repeat themselves eventually. Are You Afraid of the Dark? is not among the best, and the show repeats itself often. "The Tale of the Prom Queen" is the exact same story as "The Tale of the Dream Girl" complete with the same twist ending. The big difference is that rather than a touching family relationship at the center of the story, it's a mousy girl who enlists the help of two douchey stoners. 

It's almost as if someone on the writing staff said, "Why don't we try that premise again, but without those asshole kids ruining the story?" when it came time to write "The Tale of the Dream Girl." If they had said that, it would have been the right call. These stoner kids are unbearable.

You were a pussy.

There are many positive things to say about Are You Afraid of the Dark? When the show is at its best, it's a dark Twilight Zone for kids. The series is often ambitious, weaving its way through sci-fi, fantasy, romance, and other genres as it progresses. There are delightfully weird moments that punctuate the series when the right actor meets the right guest role. 

The show just isn't very scary. The episodes that attempt to spook are often hamstrung by low production values and a non-Hollywood acting pool comprised of theater actors who don't know how to minimize their performances for the small screen. Though the show may feel fresh to children, many of the premises, like the Monkey's Paw, the restless ghost, or the hero that doesn't know he's dead, will feel stale to any adult who has ever consumed media.

You've probably grown since your days watching Are You Afraid of the Dark? Hopefully, that means you've become less of a pussy.