With Republican control over two out of three branches of the United States Government barely a fortnight old, it's been revealed that Speaker of the House John Boehner was once very close to being murdered by his former bartender.

That's right, the very orange and very weepy Speaker was almost poisoned to death by his one time bartender, Michael Hoyt, who was indicted and charged last week. According to CNN, Hoyt claimed to hear voices in his head that told him Boehner was evil and even blamed him for the recent Ebola outbreak. After being fired from the Wetherington Golf & Country Club in West Chester, Hoyt planned to either poison the Speaker, and if that fell through just go with a classic drive-by. According to United States Capitol Police Special Agent Christopher Desrosiers,​

"Hoyt told the arresting officer he was Jesus Christ and he was going to kill Boehner because Boehner was mean to him at the country club and because Boehner is responsible for Ebola. Hoyt advised he had a loaded Beretta .380 automatic and he was going to shoot Boehner and take off."

Hoyt also thought Boehner was the devil. 

Cops found guns and ammo in Hoyt's home along with a notebook that had the words "John Boehner" and "Ebola" written multiple times. So what's the take away on all of this? We're going to go with: tip your bartender.