This feature was originally published on October 23, 2014.
Larry David: fearless Social Assassin, misanthropic bald man, unafraid to point out improprieties whenever and wherever he encounters them. If IRL Larry is anything like his (slightly?) fictionalized TV counterpart, then he is a hero, a dark knight we didn't know we needed but totally deserve who is quick to call people on their foul, everyday-life bullshit.
If society operated on his protocols, we'd live in a much better, albeit sometimes brutally honest world. Larry David should be president. But until Inauguration Day, take a minute and learn how to truly behave in day-to-day scenarios from the best Larry David v. the Social Establishment moments on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
New house tours and "How did you two meet?" are the lowest forms of conversation.
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Episodes: "Krazee-Eyez Killa," "Officer Krupke"
Praise Larry for being bold enough to say no thanks to the banal conversation prompts. Props on your new house but also, like, a bathroom is a bathroom, fam. Big whoop. Only accept tours from real Gs like Krazee-Eyez who, instead of droning on about imported tiles, will offer color commentary like, "This right here is the floor, made of, you know, floor shit." Meanwhile, "Where did you two meet?" is about as basic a question you can ask a longtime couple, and really, does it even matter? Sorry, Susie, but do better.
The "no gifts" pleasantry and the dry cleaner rule are B.S.
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Episodes: "Ben's Birthday Party," "The Anonymous Donor"
They always say no gifts. And they never mean it. Demanding gifts from your friends and family as a full grown adult is lightweight juvenile but fuck it, if you want presents be upfront about it. Don't play coy like Ben Stiller then get tight when a real one like LD takes you at your word and makes his presence the only present.
More unspoken rules that Larry is heroically not here for: The dry cleaner giveth and the dry cleaner taketh away. One day's fire jersey lost is a fire jawnz gain waiting to happen in the near future. But no—it's all fun and games until you're the one who loses a fresh piece to someone else's dry cleaner haul. Ever the active complainer, Larry even seized an opportunity to address Senator Barbara Boxer on this issue, but as always, the government completely fails at getting shit done.
The "shoes off" in the house rule is totally breakable.
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Episodes: "Porno Gil"
For the non-germaphobes among us, this is the most annoying request a person can ask of you upon entering the crib. You didn't leave the spot in fresh kicks just to toss them to the side in a nasty pile of discarded shoes and tiptoe J-less on a floor that's not even carpet. If you came through on some precipitation-free dope shoes, then do a stunt-step right around your super OCD host and tell him to lighten up. Just know that once you violate the "shoes off" rule, you absolutely can't fuck up anything in the house for the rest of the night, lest you get barked on like Larry does.
Sample abuse is a very real issue.
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Episode: "The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial"
Guess what? Banana ice cream probably tastes like...banana. Nine out of 10 dessert lines across the country are held up by sample abusers and their tiny fucking spoons, making flimsy excuses to try every flavor. Thankfully LD empowers us to call these herbs out and keep shit moving.
No costume, no candy.
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Episodes: "Trick-or-Treat"
The easiest Social Assassin doctrine to get behind, and currently the most relevant. If you're old enough to think dressing up is uncool, then guess what? You're not young enough for free candy. Kindly fall back from the doorstep, b. Then again, by withholding the sweets, you're just giving inherently mischievous teens an excuse to drape up and drip out your crib with a Charmin makeover (Larry also gets "BALD ASSHOLE" spray-painted across his front door). But such is the price for keeping it real.
What's the phone call cut-off time?
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Episodes: "The Wire"
For the record, it's 10 p.m., despite what Susie or Julia Louis-Dreyfus claim. And calling at 9:50 is perfectly within rights. 9:58, not so much. Of course, this episode was BTM—before text-messaging—so does that throw the whole concept out? Just one of a dozen potential issues waiting to be tackled for a season nine, LD.
Consider your driver.
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Episodes: "The Massage," "The Freak Book"
Larry David is endlessly wealthy off that Seinfeld money alone, but he doesn't always share the high-minded attitudes of a normal nine-figure-naire. Hundreds of one-percenters per day cast their drivers off, never stopping to consider how bored the dude must be while they eat at a fancy restaurant or attend the opera. But Larry's so obsessed with being considerate that this issue comes up twice across the series.
First in season two's finale "The Massage," his beef with a swank restaurant maître d' escalates when he catches a guilt-ridden Larry bringing shrimp to the driver Cheryl hired. Four seasons later, LD takes the concept even further in "The Freak Book," when a party at Ted Danson's house goes way left after Larry, yet again feeling sorry for an idle driver, lets the guy come inside and join the fun. In no time he's completely bodied, macking on Mary Steenburgen and referring to Ted as "Becker." So, Larry's head is in the right place, but instead of going the extra extra mile, maybe just leave your driver with a magazine or two?
Respect wood.
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Episodes: "Seinfeld"
Respect wood or be called out for it. Don't be that dickhead house guest brazenly placing cold glasses everywhere without adhering to that coaster life. LD is so selfless that he even calls out his own wife when he catches her slipping. Okay, he really only cares about exonerating himself in the eyes of Julia Louis-Dreyfus, but his heart's in the right place.
Keep your apology if it comes with a "sh*t-bow."
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Episodes: "The Bi-Sexual"
Leave it to Larry to suss out the fine details of foreign customs. And as the old adage goes, don't apologize if you don't mean it. Larry figures the ineffectual manager at his go-to Japanese spot doesn't give one sincere fuck about messing up his order, and that's confirmed when he witnesses two Japanese tourists apologize to each other with full bows, not the barely 180-degree head cock the restaurateur gave him. Of course Larry calls him out on the shit-bow, and the sentiment is appropriate regardless of ethnicity: No half-assing.
Check props go to the breadwinner, and the breadwinner only.
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Episodes: "The Corpse-Sniffing Dog"
This is Larry at his most polarizing and inadvertently disrespectful, despite pointing out Just Facts. While out on a double dinner date with his friends Stu and Susan, Larry pointedly thanks Stu and only Stu when he picks up the check. His reasoning: Susan doesn't actually work, soooo it's not technically her money. Institution of marriage and "What's mine is yours" be damned! You can instantly tell Susan feels a certain way and Cheryl feels slightly shaded at the implication but, is Larry wrong per se? No, not really.
However, a warning: Only roll with this line of thinking if you give zero fucks about political correctness, or else you may find your homie's trophy GF angling to make you pay at all times.
Beware the Chat 'n' Cut.
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Episodes: "The Massage," "Vow of Silence"
As Jeff so aptly points out in "The Massage" when Larry dodges what he describes as a "stop 'n' chat," LD is always labeling social practices with new terms (and being an anti-social dick). His cultural influence has never been higher than when he coined the forever relevant term, "chat 'n' cut," later in season eight. We've all encountered this hundreds of times—that entitled douchebag who spots a person they recognize near the front of a line and uses conversation as a thinly veiled excuse to slide in, whether they're actually friends or not. It's totally acceptable to call out these impatient demons whenever necessary, as Larry does. As for the stop 'n' chat, well, anyone who lives in a major city knows nine times out of 10, ain't nobody got time for that.
Commit to your cover story (read: lies) at all costs.
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Episodes: "Vow of Silence," "Larry vs. Michael J. Fox"
The last we see of Larry David, social assassin, he's gallivanting in Paris with trusty partner-in-crime Leon. Why? Because he told someone he had to go there as an excuse to get out of doing boring charity work, and so, he did. It's by that same logic, and for a very similar reason, that he spends half of season eight in New York. If you're going to cook up a cover story, commitment is key. Especially when you have unlimited millions and zero responsibilities to hold you back from hanging out in whatever random city you happened to choose for a lie.
