This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

Date: 8/16/2014

Location: Rocker, Mont.

Crime: Attempting to exchange money for sexual favors.

Ratchet Meter: 7

Reaching out to police because you feel as if you've been cheated out of whatever illegal service you paid for will always end in your arrest. Always.

According to the Smoking Gun, 53-year-old William McDaniel phoned authorities after a stripper refused to have sex with him. Apparently, McDaniel assumed the $350 he paid for a private dance at Exotic Dance Club covered sexual favors as well. When he didn't get what he wanted at the Rocker, Mont. club, he complained to police, who arrested him for attempting to exchange money for sexual favors.

Fifteen years ago, Chris Rock emphasized that no sex is going down in the Champagne Room. One would think that the point was made crystal clear, but it seems as if he needed to mention the whole “Your dumb ass will get arrested, or worse” component as well.–Julian Kimble

Date: 8/14/2014

Location: Unionville, Va.

Crime: Cultivation of marijuana, possession of a firearm

Ratchet Meter: 6

Authorities in Virginia say a man with a hilariously fitting last name given the circumstances was arrested after they found over $10,000 worth of marijuana plants at his residence.

NBC Washington reports that Paul Stoner of Unionville, Va. was apprehended Aug. 14 after police received a tip that he was supplying children in the area with drugs. A raid produced guns, marijuana and marijuana plants, needles, spoons, and prescription drugs.

The 42-year-old faces charges for growing marijuana, as well as the possession of a firearm around more than a pound of the substance.

Date: 8/17/2014

Location: Woodbridge, Va.

Crime: Possession of marijuana and filing a false police report

Ratchet Meter: 7

A desperate Virginia woman was arrested after being screwed over by her drug dealer, who obviously has no respect for her.

According to NBC Washington, Amanda Twomey, 19, told Prince William County Police that her weed man robbed her on Sunday Aug. 17. Twomey claimed that after setting up a meeting with Jackson Crisler, in Woodbridge, Va., the 20-year-old he robbed her at gunpoint.

During the investigation, detectives soon learned that Twomey, under no pressure, gave Crisler the money to purchase marijuana from someone else. Instead, Crisler simply pocketed the money. When Twomey called police to explain that she was robbed, both she and Crisler were arrested.

In addition to attempted possession of marijuana charges, Twomey was also charged with filing a false police report. Crisler, on the other, faces a charge for attempted possession with intent to distribute.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/18/2014

Location: Myrtle Beach, S.C.

Crime: Pending

Ratchet Meter: 6

A South Carolina woman was cited for punching a man who purposely farted in her face, authorities say.

The Smoking Gun reports that 33-year-old Jessica Cerney was seated on a couch inside of a Myrtle Beach, S.C. residence on Monday Aug. 18 when Darrell McKnight entered, intoxicated. Flexing his alleged lack of manners, the 64-year-old let one rip, right in Cerney's face.

In an attempt to escape the fumes, Cerney fled the home, but told police that McKnight followed her. During the ensuing debate about the offensive odor, Cerney claims that McKnight unleashed a stream of profanity and approached her in what the police report describes as “a threatening manner.” When he bent down, she punched him in the face. Three times.

In addition to a swollen right eye, McKnight also received a citation.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/15/2014

Location: Hamilton County, Ohio

Crime: Gross abuse of the deceased

Ratchet Meter: 10

An Ohio man confessed to having sex with 100 corpses during his time working the night shift at a morgue, authorities say.

This revelation came when a federal appeals court decided that Hamilton County can be sued as a result of the man's actions. Kenneth Douglas told the court that between 1976 and 1992, he defiled at least 100 corpses at the Hamilton County morgue. The 60-year-old explained that his actions were fueled by substance abuse. “If I hadn't had anything to drink when I went to work, it wouldn't happen,” he told the court. “I would do crack and go in and drink and go in.”

According to WCPO, Douglas was convicted of gross abuse on the bodies of three women—Charlene Appling, April Hicks, and Karen Range—​who died in 1991 and 1992. However, none of this was known until 2008, when his semen was identified in Range's body.

The women's families sued Hamilton County in 2012, and last week's development will give a jury the chance to decide that former coroner and morgue director Dr. Frank Cleveland (who passed away in 2011) failed “recklessly and wantonly” to keep Douglas from violating corpses. The fact that Douglas' wife testified that she reported him and no disciplinary action was taken doesn't help the county's chances.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/15/2014

Location: Bogota, Columbia

Crime: Crime against public health

Ratchet Meter: 7

A woman was arrested in Spain earlier this month for trying to smuggle nearly four pounds of cocaine into the country by stashing them inside of her breast implants.

The New York Daily News reports that authorities at Madrid International Airport noticed the 43-year-old Venezuelan woman's suspicious behavior while screening bags for passengers who had just exited a flight from Bogota, Colombia. Though her luggage didn't raise any concerns, female agents noticed suspicious lumps in her breasts while frisking her.

Knowing she was caught, the woman admitted that her breasts were packed with cocaine. She was taken to a local hospital, where 3.7 pounds of cocaine worth a reported $2.5 million was removed from her implants. New York City board-certified plastic surgeon Dr. Matthew Schulman told the Daily News that this method of smuggling is somewhat common.

“There were alerts put out several years ago about concerns about terrorists using breast implants as a way to move bombs, so it's one of those things in the plastic surgery community we are aware of,” he explained. “It's probably done more often than people realize.”—Julian Kimble

The Daily News adds that the woman was held at the hospital for an alleged crime against public health. As of now, there's no on her status.

Date: 8/13/14

Location: Manatee County, Fla.

Crime: Exposure of sexual organs and lewd and lascivious behavior

Ratchet Meter: 8

A man and a woman were arrested for having sex in a Florida restaurant parking lot Aug. 13.

The Smoking Gun reports that 42-year-old April Newcomb and 20-year-old Brandon Tinyes were caught naked from the waist down in the parking lot, going at it inside of a vehicle parked in front of the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s restaurant. A deputy with the Manatee County Sheriff's Office says that Newcomb and Tinyes came clean, admitting that they were simply two friends “having sex.” No big deal, obviously.

Both Newcomb and Tinyes were charged with exposure of sexual organs and lewd and lascivious behavior, while Tinyes also faces marijuana possession charges.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/21/2014

Location: New York, N.Y.

Crime: Pending

Ratchet Meter: 4

A student at the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City discovered 10 pounds of cocaine in her suitcase while moving into her dorm, authorities say.

The New York Post reports that that 21-year-old, who had just flown into the city from Trinidad & Tobago, was unpacking when she found four packages of the drug worth a reported $150,000 in her luggage. According to the Post, she immediately called the police, telling them she had no idea how they got there.

Though police are considering the possibility that she was aware of the cocaine's presence in her suitcase, they believe it could've been mistakenly placed in her suitcase by smugglers. Regardless, the woman hasn't been charged and no arrests have been made.—Julian Kimble