Dear Academy of Television Arts and Sciences,
Are you feeling okay? I'm just concerned because you seemed to have forgotten to nominate Tatiana Maslany for Orphan Black. And I don't know if you've seen this, but the Internet is really mad, dude. Like Brazil-after-the-Germany-game mad. Like L.A. Riots mad. I wouldn't go out there if you don't want your credibility shanked. Look, if you suffered a brain aneurysm that left you temporarily paralyzed and stuck in the hospital for this past year, let me know. I'll defend you. How else could you have neglected to nominate the most talked-about actress of the past year unless you've been completely incapacitated?
However, if you’re just trying to be a big asshole, then it’s my duty to rip you a new one. Who the hell do you think you are?! Is it because she’s... Canadian? Damn it! When will you set your differences aside and just enjoy the art of television? And that’s what Orphan Black is, by the way, art. Tatiana Maslany absolutely kills her, uh, how many roles in one show, 16? 27? Whatever.
You obviously received some Orphan Black DVDs; it’s in your job description to watch everything. What happened? Did you just get really into Angry Birds when you hit play? Angry Birds isn’t even cool anymore! You’re so out of touch! Were you too confused by Tatiana’s brilliance? Did you think she actually had that many identical twins? It’s ONE lady playing all those very, very different roles.
I’m a peaceful person. I believe in pacifism. But I would not hesitate to punch your mother in the mouth if she talked smack about my girl T-Mas. Tatiana is a gift. She is a beautiful butterfly that repeatedly enters her cocoon, melts down almost her entire body with enzymes, and sprouts her wings again as another beautiful butterfly. And then she does that again, and again, and some butterflies have dreads, and some butterflies drink too much wine and have two adopted children, and some butterflies are scary and have very thick accents—you can probably see where I’m going with this metaphor. It’s a good metaphor.
Okay. I’ve said my peace.
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