You're Doing It Wrong: Masturbation

You've got to be a grade-A moron to jack a dry one. Taking care of your body includes using proper lubrication when masturbating. What happens when you're having a pre-work jerk and, because of dryness and friction, you create a bloody situation? Are you going to tell your boss and co-workers you were late because you rubbed yourself raw? Shit, vikings probably handled themselves with more care than that. Do yourself a favor and moisturize your situation.

Now, with that said, don't be the other idiot who uses something inappropriate as lube. Despite knowledge of the potential outcome, someone always puts Icy Hot on or around their junk, thus making the act of pleasuring oneself considerably less pleasurable. This is probably one of the many ways that they torture spies; don't do it to yourself, pun totally intended.

Forget the fables about blindness and hairy palms, masturbating too much can keep you from getting things done. If an entire day passes and the only thing you've accomplished is self-satisfaction, things are no bueno. Worse, if you can relate to not being able to leave the house because you couldn't stop masturbating, it's time to seek help.

Masturbation officially becomes a problem when you're doing it instead of talking to people, or being intimate with them. If you spend the majority of the day with your hands near your crotch or in your pants, you spend too much time "alone." This is yet another bad sign.

Those programs that come on Cinemax late at night are obviously made for the fapping, but they cater to horny teenagers unable to get their hands on respectable porn. If you're an adult with access to hardcore smut, there's cause for concern if you're still masturbating to people grinding up against each other with no actual penetration. It's like watching D-League basketball—you're only going to want to see the real thing.

The prophets Desus and Mero have said that if you know more than like, three porn stars by name, you're officially disgusting (which is cool; no judgement here). If you know multiple softcore stars (the ones who only do softcore films) by name, who are you?

If you take yourself out on dates, romance yourself, and end the night with yourself, it's just sad. Sad like the "Hello" scene from The 40-Year-Old Virgin. It signals peak loneliness, and, worse, that you're cool with it. Do you really need to create ambiance when you masturbate? You've resigned yourself to a bleak reality if this is how you're living.

First off, if you beat it to Jenna Jameson at 7:43 p.m. everyday, you must enjoy masturbating in a time machine. Like, you're really into nostalgia, dude. But that routine is rather monotonous, no? It's not like your process has to be completely spontaneous, but doing the same thing repeatedly is boring. You're robbing yourself of the thrill.

Pro tip: Women don't like unrequested dick pics. If you send a woman pictures or video of you tugging away (to completion, albeit) that she didn't ask for, you're gambling with your reputation. Hell, you're rolling the dice even if she did ask. When she receives these unpleasant surprises, she's going to share them with her friends and they're all going to laugh at you. Save yourself from becoming a punchline.

You don't win any prizes for not masturbating. (That goes for you too, ladies.) They don't have awards for that, so there's simply no good reason for it. Even if you enjoy a healthy sex life with another human being, a time will come when your dominant hand—or your weak hand; you have to work on your weak hand—calls you. Otherwise, you'd be a walking C4 brick.

You're probably lying if you claim to abstain from masturbation anyway, but people still try to hide behind that lie. You're only doing yourself a disservice, just like not masturbating at all.