As Woody Allen famously said in Annie Hall, masturbation is sex with someone you love. It's for that very reason that this sacred relationship should be preserved. Still, people manage to sully the hallowed act. Is there a wrong way to masturbate, per se? Absolutely. There are several, in fact, and people fall victim to them, despite appalling consequences. Sometimes it ends in injury, other times it ends in arrest, but it's dreadful either way. National Masturbation Month may have just ended, but celebrating proper techniques and best practices are evergreen. For all of the fap lords out there, this is common knowledge. For all of the novices, consider it sage advice.