Welcome to the F-Files, a scientific exercise in mucking around with FIFA's Creation Center which we push the customization options in EA Sports' FIFA series to their limits in order to put some of soccer's most popular truisms to the test.
“If you had 11 [Insert player name here]s on your team, you'd win the league every year.”
I think I first heard this said about Steven Gerrard, and it gets said about pretty much every talented player that has that particular mix of focus, determination and versatility. The idea being that, for a football team, it's attitude and physical fitness that matters more than having a mix of different skill-sets and attributes across the pitch.
Of course, cloning players is illegal, time consuming and prohibitively expensive. Possibly even dangerous if we take what happened in Jurassic Park into consideration. But it's an intriguing prospect. The players would, presumably, have great team spirit, and would almost certainly an unrivalled understanding on the pitch. But would they fall short because of that lack of specialist skills?
Let's find out.
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Methodology
Group Play: Germany vs. Portugal
Group Play: Germany vs. Portugal
Result: 0-0, tie.
It was tough start for the Germans in a match that could well decide the winner of the group. The Lahms coped well, in particular dealing with Portugal's pace on the counter, though they failed to create many meaningful openings. It was tight match in which a team of clones showed how well they could defend as a unit, but also how creativity is a key ingredient at this level. Credit must go to the Portuguese for not being unsettled playing against one international footballer and 10, physically identical bald men.
The missed opportunity above by Lahm is the closest either team came to scoring.
Group Play: Germany vs. Ghana
Group Play: Germany vs. Ghana
Result: 3-0, Germany (Klose 65, 85; Gotze 89).
Another tight match, this time with slightly less control from the Lahms thanks to Ghana's more physical style. The AI, knowing a win was vital after the draw against Portugal, threw on three non-clone players with half an hour to go, who then proceeded to score three goals between them with relative ease. None of the Lahms even got an assist.
Another glaring miss by a Lahm clone in the closing stages—this time side-footing wide when one-on-one—suggests a theme is developing.
Group Play: Germany vs. USA
Group Play: Germany vs. USA
Result: 1-0, USA (Altidore 72).
The Lahms enter the last match of the group stages knowing everything depends on Ghana's result against Portugal. If Ghana loses, and Germany avoids a heavy defeat, goal difference should see them qualify. A heavy German win might even put them on top of the group.
Unfortunately, as was the case with the Ghanaians, the Lahms simply couldn't cope with the USA's aggression and strength in the middle of the park. Weak defending from Lahm after a mix-up between Lahm and Lahm resulted in an embarrassing Altidore goal. The AI throw on three non-Lahm players once again, but this time with no effect.
Thankfully Ghana's heavy loss to Portugal means the Germans progress to the next round, though Philipp and his siblings will have to put in extra shooting practice if they are to progress any further...
Round of 16: Germany vs. South Korea
Round of 16: Germany vs. South Korea
Result: 1-0, Germany (Lahm 36).
The Lahms should cope well with South Korea—like Portugal they are more quick and technical than they are strong and, despite a few talented players, they are outmatched in most areas of the pitch. Believe it or not, Lahm manages to make the breakthrough in the first half, breaking his scoring drought after great work by Lahm on the right with a tidy finish. The Koreans can't break down the ranks of Lahms who hold on until the end of the match—Lahmany are through to the quarterfinals!
Quarterfinals: Germany vs. France
Quarterfinals: Germany vs. France
Probably the Lahms toughest test yet, France has a mix of pace, dribbling ability, and strength that will unsettle Germany defensively. They also have strong agile defenders, meaning scoring struggles will likely continue.
It's not looking good as Sakho scores from a corner in the first half. But then, would you believe it, captain Philipp Lahm, the very man from whom the team was cloned, steps up to deliver a wonderful finish after a great team move in the second half.
The match finishes level and both teams tire greatly in the second half with clear-cut chances few and far between. It goes to penalties.
(At this point, I step in and force the AI to pick all Lahms at penalty takers. By now, it seems fitting.)
The Germans go first, with captain Philipp Lahm assuming responsibility. His PK is calmly dispatched into the bottom right-hand corner. But France respond in kind, Benzema dinking it, cool-as-you-like straight down the middle. Lahm, Lahm and Lahm net all their penalties, but France keeps the pressure up, with Ribery, Cabaye and Valbuena scoring with relative ease. It's 4-4 now, and left-winger Philipp Lahm steps up to the spot.
Disaster. Mathieu Debuchy sweeps the final French penalty into the top-hand corner, winning the game. Germany is out. A nation's dreams are left in tatters. The experiment is over.
Conclusion
