Date: 5/21/14
Location: Portland, Ore.
Crime: Criminal Mischief
Ratchet Meter: 9

A man on LSD was arrested in Portland on May 20 for attacking a woman's BMW with a sword. People really need to let that Blazers loss to the Spur go.

Authorities in Portland, Ore. received a distress call around 7 a.m. on May 20 from a woman who said a man in pirate attire was attacking her car. That someone turned out to be 30-year-old Glendale, Ore. native Konrad Boss, who told police he was a "high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth." Apparently, LSD was his performance-enhancing drug. For all of you non-Lord of the Rings fans, Morgoth is a Dark Lord who apparently resembles a BMW to someone who's high on LSD.

The vehicle sustained several puncture wounds which cannot be repaired by sorcery, and Boss was cited for criminal mischief before being taken to Providence Hospital.