Date: 5/21/14
Location: Chillicothe, Ohio
Crime: Cocaine Possession
Ratchet Meter: 9

Talk about being set up to fail.

The unfortunately named D'Alcapone Alpacino Morris, already indicted for cocaine possession, boasts a criminal resume including assault, burglary, robbery, kidnapping and murder. Is the 35-year prison sentence he was given a worse punishment than his name? Think long and hard about that.

An affidavit filed with the Court of Common Pleas on Monday revealed that Morris, who currently resides at Ross Correctional Facility in Chillicothe, Ohio, plans to represent himself in an appeal of his conviction, but has informed the court that he's unable to pay the accompanying expenses.

He won't be eligible for parole until 2044, so he has plenty of time to think about where things went wrong for him. It probably started with the name.