The NFL draft is longer than a rap-sheet of J.R. Smith’s most inappropriate behavior.
The entire event takes three days. As much as we love it, it’s depressing to think we watch this thing every year. Essentially all that happens is an old guy reads off a lot of names.
Recently, the old guy tried to look hip by doing a bunch of handshakes and hugs with the young guys. And you know what, I’ll be watching this year, next year and the year after that.
As the glorious day approaches, everyone with an Internet connection produces a mock draft, or two, or three. To be a little different—because that’s what we are—I spent an embarrassing amount time capturing, creating and editing a video game—NCAA Football 14—to make my own virtual mock draft.
Don’t judge me.
Take a look at the list and highlights. If you’re not big on reading, you can watch the video to see highlights of every selection, and more serious analysis than you’ll get from the list below.
1. Houston Texans: Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina
He’s big, runs faster than most big guys and he has dreads. That stands for something.
2. St. Louis Rams: Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson
The Rams have two picks in the first round. They can’t screw both of them up, can they?
3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
Players apparently going to have an opportunity to pick the music that is played when they walk out on stage. To borrow an idea from a friend, Johnny Football needs to strut out to Shane McMahon’s theme song, “Here Comes the Money.”
4. Cleveland Browns: Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida
Bortles looks a lot like Ben Roethlisberger, only his name is a lot shorter. Thank goodness.
5. Oakland Raiders: Greg Robinson, T, Auburn
Robinson might look like a fat guy, but his 4.92 40-yard-dash time says that if you call him fat and try to run away, he can catch you.
6. Atlanta Falcons: Khalil Mack, DE/OLB, Buffalo
How many people had no idea there was actually a Buffalo University? Be honest.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M
What happens when you no longer get to catch balls from Johnny Manziel? I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. But it could be cause for panic if you’re Evans.
8. Minnesota Vikings: Anthony Barr, DE/OLB, UCLA
I think Barr and the Los Angeles Lakers Robert Sacre are related in some way. They bear a striking resemblance, and both of them seem to always have a look of bewilderment on their faces.
9. Buffalo Bills: Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina
Don’t you almost wish the kid from Buffalo University got a chance to go to the Buffalo Bills. On second thought, not even kids from Buffalo University want to play for the Bills.
10. Detroit Lions: Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State
This prediction might be giving the Lions too much credit. Rumor has it, they are thinking about trading up to draft Watkins. With Megatron already in Motown, perhaps Watkins would be a Gobot.
11. Tennessee Titans: Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M
OK, the kid’s dad played for the organization, and he’s currently one of the coaches. Doesn’t that mean they have to draft him?
12. New York Giants: C.J. Mosley, LB, Alabama
Eli Manning threw so many interceptions in 2013, Mosley probably caught one of them...in college...in Alabama.
13. St. Louis Rams: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama
This is the Rams’ second pick and they should use it on a kid named Ha Ha. That’s not a joke. His real name is Ha’Sean, but his grandmother gave him the nickname. If he’s a bust can you imagine the jokes that people will associate with his name?
14. Chicago Bears: Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh
The Bears’ run defense was so bad last season, it would have given up 100 yards to Terio. They have to draft a defensive tackle to get better in this area.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers: Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State
What exactly is a Darqueze?
16. Dallas Cowboys: Ryan Shazier, LB, Ohio State
Ryan Shazier looks like Panthro from the Thundercats, and I mean that as a compliment, Straight beast mode.
17. Baltimore Ravens: Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan
Some guys just look like offensive lineman. You don’t even have to see them from the neck down to know they block for a living. Lewan is one of those dudes.
18. New York Jets: Marqise Lee, WR, USC
Every time I see Lee’s name, I hear the line from 2 Live Crew’s “Move Something.” “C’mon get live with Marquis yo brotha.” At least I think that’s what he says.
19. Miami Dolphins: Zack Martin, OL, Notre Dame
The last time the Dolphins drafted an offensive lineman named Martin, the guys were mean to him. Hopefully, they treat this one a little better.
20. Arizona Cardinals: Xavier Su'a-Filo, G, UCLA
What do you do when your run offense ranked 23rd in the NFL? You get a big, strong kid named Su’a-Filo to clear the way for your mediocre running backs.
21. Green Bay Packers: Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville
Pryor likes to hit people...a lot. He’ll either get fined, get counseling or both in today’s NFL.
22. Philadelphia Eagles: Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State
This kid just wants to confuse us with the spelling and pronunciation of his first and last name. Not Brandin with an “o,” Brandin with an “i.” Not Cook, it’s Cooks. With an “s.” Whatever.
23. Kansas City Chiefs: Odell Beckham Jr., WR, LSU
In a former life, this kid had to be a pastor. With a name like Odell Beckham Jr., he just sounds like a preacher from down south.
24. Cincinnati Bengals: Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State
I really hope Jernigan gets a jersey that fits him in the NFL. His stomach spent more time outside of his shirt in the BCA title game than it did inside of it.
25. San Diego Chargers: Jason Verrett, CB, TCU
If your name isn’t Eric Weddle and you’re a part of the San Diego Chargers secondary, you probably didn’t have a great season in 2013. Meet Jason Verrett, he’ll be taking your job now.
26. Cleveland Browns: Cyrus Kouandjio, OT, Alabama
At 6’6” 315 pounds, I personally believe this kid’s new nickname should be Mount Kouandjio.
27. New Orleans Saints: Morgan Moses, OT, Virginia
If Lenny from Of Mice and Men was a real person, he’d be as big and strong as Moses.
28. Carolina Panthers: Kelvin Benjamin, WR, Florida State
Cam Newton’s receiving corps is thinner than Chris Sale. They have to draft a receiver here.
29. New England Patriots: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville
Bridgewater was once thought to be a contender for the top pick in the draft. Now he might be the man waiting on Tom Brady to retire.
30. San Francisco 49ers: Allen Robinson, WR, Penn State
The Niners need some speed at wide receiver. Anquan Bolding AKA The Rza is getting long in the tooth.
31. Denver Broncos: Ra'Shede Hageman, DT, Minnesota
Hageman’s first instruction in Broncos camp would probably be: don’t touch the guy wearing No. 18.
32. Seattle Seahawks: Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri
If you win the Super Bowl 43-8, shouldn’t like have to give your picks away to charity or something?