20 "Louie" Lines to Use in Everyday Situations

Let a professional handle the witty conversations.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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If you haven't seen any episodes of Louie yet, check them out; they're on Netflix. Trust, you'll be glad you did. Like Seinfeld, but slightly more crass, Louie has bits of Louis C.K.'s stand-up scattered throughout an episode of wonderfully crafted storylines. As writer, director, editor, producer, and star, Louis C.K. is being dubbed as the first real auteur of television. And, lucky you, you get to catch the newest season on FX on May 5, with 14 back-to-back episodes over the following seven weeks. 

The show, loosely based on Louis C.K.'s own life, is peppered with the best stand-up comedians in New York City, insightful and deep dialogue, and serious laugh-out-loud comedy. And, in honor of that, we've made a list of some of the best lines from Louie to spread throughout your conversations. You won't regret it—you know, unless the penis jokes make your mom cry or something.

Written by Hope Schreiber (@HopeSchreiber

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"Shit... there's not even enough time to jerk off." —Louie

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"Kick a jesus in the face, this is delicious." —Pamela

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"Shit on my fathers balls!" —Louie

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"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating." —Ben

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"My mom says any choice I make is okay because I love myself." —Never

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"You can't just drift through life and hope that love is going to float into you like plankton into a whale's fucking mouth." —Jeanie

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"Now, have you ever had experience being funny?" —Dahl

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"I promise to give you a blowjob... I'm not asking for charity from you. I don't need your help. I'm just saying if you offer it, I'll suck your dick." —Dolores

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"I'm in love with you. Yeah, it's that bad. You're so beautiful to me. Shut up! Lemme tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me—and the way you are with me, and you're just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I'm going to live a thousand years 'cause that's how long it's gonna take me to have one thought about you which is that I'm crazy about you." —Louie

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"You know what your problem is? You're just a... pencil... penis... parade!" —Louie

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"The constant flow of penises into your asshole just tapered off?" —Louie

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"Are we supposed to feel sorry for white guys? What, is 10,000 years of unchecked prosperity, that's not enough for you?" —Louie

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"Napoleon masturbated... Gandhi, uh, Joan Jett, Shakespeare..." —Louie

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"Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now." —Laurie

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"It's lubricant for masturbating... It's technically used for sex but I personally have never used it that way. I use it to masturbate with." —Louie

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"I've never gotten laid 'cause of the way I look. I'm the guy that women see and they go, 'Eh?' And I'm like, 'I know, but let me just talk to you for a minute.'" —Louie

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"Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but... it doesn't get better. You get better." —Joan Rivers

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