Hella Bandwidth: The Week in Internet Foolishness

Image via Complex Original

Remember when Lil' Kim used to be a multi-platinum selling rapper who had endorsement deals, toured the world, and was creating cinematic masterpieces like "Guns & Roses" with LisaRaye? Yeah, that was a long time ago as evidenced by Kim taking to Instagram to ask her fans to get her gifts as part of her baby shower. Now, that'd be cute if it was like for charity or some shit, but no, the charity is Lil' Kim. Damn, homie, you gonna ask a stan to pay your Uber fare next?

Much of Black Twitter echoed a collective "Hell no!" once images of Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone in a very poorly cast film about her life hit the Web. God bless Zoe Saldana or whatever, but she is to Nina Simone what Flex Alexander was to Michael Jackson in that VH1 movie I'm sure he still cries at night about doing (or at least, should.) But like most painful things, Black folks took it and turned it into a joke. Not as big a joke as the movie will likely be, but close enough.

Funny smartasses guised as concerned citizens have taken to Photoshop to create a "Have You Seen Me?" sign in search of possible former member of Danity Kane, Aundrea Fimbres, who is noticeably absent on the group's new single, "Lemonade," as far as both the cover art and actual track goes.

From my understanding — and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong — this started out as somewhat of a sarcastic statement by a feminist that soon started some sort of debate as to whether that statement mirrored objectification only to be seized by sexists male and female alike. In other words, like any day on Twitter, a topic goes from something substantive to something that makes you wish you could have morons spayed on site? Is that it?

Insufferable shrew and popular conservative media troll Ann Coulter continued to prove what a useless human being she is by mocking the hashtag #BringBackOurGirls — which is intended to bring awareness to the plight of the 276 Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapped by jihadist group Boko Haram. The Internet responded to her "joke" by actually making real jokes about her. Good, but she's still a dick.

The world collectively went "aww" after this photo of Jillian and Jenna Thistlewaite hit the Internet last Friday. The hospital where the twins were born tweeted the picture with this caption, though a "Today" show segment later revealed that the twins weren't actually holding hands — they just grabbed each other after slipping and sliding out of the womb into the world. Cute, I guess, but not the same. However, don't blame the kids. It's not their fault the hospital played Mimi and Nikko's brand of lying with the world.

While some people acted as if they're too busy curing cancer and saving the Euro to concern themselves with news of Solange attacking Jay Z in front of the goddess of everything that is good and glorious, Beyoncé, Eat 24 sent an email to its users letting them know that they're just as invested in this national crisis as everyone else is. Partially sarcastic or not, they got a new customer out of me. Your move, Seamless and GrubHub.

Dumbasses across Facebook were gullible enough to believe that Solange would publicly tweet that Jay Z was whooping Beyoncé's ass. Now, anyone who uses Twitter and has three working brain cells would peep game, and if not, would at least recognize that the font is not right — suggesting a Photoshop job. Besides, y'all know Solange would just tell senior officials over at the #Beyhive and an assassin would shoot Hov directly to hell seven minutes later.

For days, insecure straight male sports fans and some of the women who blow them (and our brain cells) reacted to footage of Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend after being drafted as if Michael Sam fingered his boyfriend in front of the cameras and then proceeded to shove that finger down their dogs throats before poking them in the eye with it. For those of us a bit more tolerant, it was much ado about nothing, or at the very least, an equal opportunity disgust with public displays of affection. Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich would like for us to be more tolerant of their intolerance towards gays, but Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich can suck Michael Sam's dick.

So everyone's Monday was pretty shot as soon as video of Solange trying to beat the Brooklyn out of Jay Z in an elevator hit the Web. We'll never know exactly why Solange tried to kick Jay Z in the balls, punch him in the face, and go right upside his head with a metal clutch, but we'll always have these memes. Always. 'Til the next fight, y'all.