Author's Note: It's not that I don't enjoy Game of Thrones—I do. But it's very stressful and I'm very sleepy. I always catch enough of an episode to have something to talk about the next day, and I never let on that I actually know very little of WTF is happening. This makes me look cool and approachable, like I don't want to rub my GoT knowledge in your face. I say stuff like, "Well, according to the book..." because I don't know anyone who has the time to read the books, and it makes me sound super smart. Unfortunately, this has also made my editors believe that I'd be the perfect person to write a fake episode for this week's hiatus to hold fans over. And I gots ta get paid. So, without further ado, I present...
SEASON 4, EPISODE 8: "TWO SWORDS, ONE STONE" OR "HOW I STOPPED WORRYING AND LEARNED TO LOVE THE WALL"
Cue: Dramatic eight-minute-long animated opening sequence.
Jon Snow is strutting around in his winter clothes like a little homeless man, looking up and down the Wall. He’s trying, once again, to convince the other Watchers of the Night that the Wall is just not going to cut it. He’s basically like the pig in "Three Little Pigs" who insists on working hard and building his house out of bricks. The other little pigs are enjoying their lives a little more and also making fun of Jon Snow, or, should we say, Jon Sow. He’s going to get the satisfaction of being able to say “I told you so,” when the Wall falls down. He’s been building up this moment since the start of the season.
“The Wall isn’t going to hold!” Jon Snow says with his crumpled-up eyebrows and wispy chin whiskers. His wolf nods in agreement.
“We aren’t going to listen to a bastard,” one of the Night's Watch guys says, which is very rude— people have children out of wedlock all the time.
Meanwhile, Arya and the guy with the face are camping out in a field again. She’s doing something gender roles suggest that boys typically do, like climbing a tree. But she also adds a little flair to help remind us that she’s still a girl. Instead of climbing the tree, she sashays up it. “All clear up here, cap’n,” she says. The guy with the face acts like he’s not amused but it’s clear that Arya has grown on him. It’s starting to feel like the beginning of a feel-good family dramedy.
I don’t remember where they’re going or what their mission is supposed to be but I think it’s kind of like this: A crazy young bachelor is involved in an accident that disfigures him because he parties too much. Shortly after, his responsible brother dies and he’s named as the guardian of the young and precocious tomboy, Arya, who has trust issues. He has to deal with the loss of his lifestyle and figure out if it was really what he wanted all along. (Actually, that’s really good. Don’t steal that. I’m going to pitch that to Disney.)
Arya also swings her sword around and probably kills another guy who deserves it.
Let’s speed this up just to cover the basics:
The crippled Stark brother with the Beatles haircut gets carried around a little and penetrates the body of someone. Not like that, dirty. With his mind.
There’s a hilarious scene where that 6’4’’ blonde lady gets confused as a man again. She gets so mad that a bar fight alongside her chubby page boy, and scored by the song “Yakety Sax,” ensues.
The Mother of Dragons frees some more slaves and her dragons fly around a bit, though not a lot—we can’t spend all our budget on CGI. Then, she has sex with the handsome guy. The guy who brought her books once and acts as her voice of reason is upset that he’s been friend-zoned again. He draws up plans to invent the fedora.
Those blonde twins flirt and continue to make people very uncomfortable, but their twin-cestuous relationship is falling apart. Jaime is upset that the blonde lady with the dark eyebrows is willing to stand against their brother, Tyrion, and she’s upset because Jaime only has one hand and cut his hair. She’s very shallow.
In another part of this vast landscape, Sansa now has to deal with her creepy Uncle Small Finger. Wait, is he her uncle? Whatever. He just pitched the only relative she was certain was alive into something called a Moon Door. (Seriously, who has one of those just chilling in their living room? With no bars around it? No safety net you can remove should you actually need to use it?) Small Finger is extra gross because he looks like America’s sweetheart, Sean Hayes, but he never does a much-needed musical number to lighten the mood. He just owns brothels.
Anyway, I digress. Sansa is pretty fed up with being paraded around by dirty men who just want to get into her corsets, so she does what any sensible woman would do: SING.
Stomach, in-step, nose, groin! She knocks the wind out of Small Finger and leaves him in the dust. That’s what you get for being a dirty perv.
As soon as she’s finished laying down the law, the 6’4’’ blonde lady rolls up, because she vowed to find the Stark girls and protect them, and is obviously impressed. She bestows Sansa a badass sword and she chops off her long red hair.
Back on the other side of the Wall, the dementors White Walkers are playing with their new baby. They give it a bottle, some human flesh, and put it down for a nap. They’re going to go over the Wall, but their plans are foiled when Jon Snow sees them. He's been appointed as look-out.
As he turns around and says, “I told you guys!” he’s hit with a rock and knocked unconscious.
NEXT WEEK ON GAME OF THRONES:
King Joffrey's back as a ghost and more annoying than ever.
Hope Schreiber is a freelance writer who doesn't believe in electricity. She doesn't own a TV or even a toaster. She sends tweets via Morse code here.
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