You're Doing It Wrong: Orgasms

Image via Complex Original

Men have it easy. They spend years masturbating in their parents' basement and then they masturbate into their girlfriend's vagina. It's like magic. It's rather remarkable how simple it is for most men to blow a load. It's so simple, in fact, that when men have sex they think their orgasm is a given. If a man doesn't come during sex, all hell breaks loose. If a woman doesn't come, it's normal—better luck next time, honey. This is incorrect, and it's the worst kind of attitude to have. Your orgasm isn't a given, and hers isn't optional.

You've been out all night partying with your girl. She looks great, you feel great, and you both want to go home and bump nasties until dawn. The only problem is, you're drunk. There's nothing wrong with sloppy, drunk sex unless you fall asleep before you're able to deliver the goods. Either wait until the morning, or have a strategy that accounts for the fact that you will be lights out as soon as you get it in.

Let's pour some out for the women who have never had an orgasm. One explanation for this tragic circumstance is that some men think the only way to get a girl off is through penetration. This is a myth. Many women prefer external stimulation to vaginal penetration. (There are other orifices worth exploring as well.) Don't act like all women are the same and therefore all you have to do is shove it in and call it a day. Don't be a one-trick pony.

Sorry to break it to you, but if you have to ask a woman if she's had an orgasm, the answer is always "no." Most men don't realize that they're witnessing a performance piece when having sex. Many women love to fake it—some women are so good at faking it that they've even convinced themselves. (This is a real shame and only makes matters worse for everyone.) Don't let the theatrics fool you. The female orgasm is the ultimate high. You'll know it when you see it.

Oh I'm sorry, do you have somewhere to be? Are you giving a speech somewhere? Is there a fire? Is this the Indy 500? Great. So slow the fuck down. It is crucial that you take your time when trying to give a woman an orgasm. Think of it as a moving target. If you want to hit the bulls-eye, you have to focus, take a few breaths, and then pull the trigger. Slow your roll. When you move too fast, it's a sign that you're not paying attention.

Show me the man who thinks he's the Lord's gift to women, the man who thinks he makes women wet just by looking at them, and I'll show you a man who is perpetually disappointing in bed. Don't be that guy. He makes promises he can't keep and pats himself on the back even though he consistently and incorrectly assumes he is giving women orgasms.

Studies have claimed that the reason women seek affection after sex is because it makes the experience more meaningful. You should not believe these studies. Cuddling after sex could also be a way for her to drop you a subtle hint that she still wants to play. When a woman has peaked, she'll often just pass out, not cuddle. Don't mistake affection for satisfaction.

Even if you're a pro, variety is still the spice of life. Show her what you're working with, but don't be afraid to use some accessories every now and again. Not only do sex toys add an element of playfulness and risk, they're perfect for helping you explore new ways to get her off. Don't be afraid to switch things up.

It's true that most female orgasms are difficult, but surrender is not an option. It's not OK to pretend you've exhausted every option there is and that it's just not worth the effort. If you want to get laid, you need to come with your A-game and plan to do everything in your power to make sure she comes, every time. Period. Don't be a quitter.

Congratulations! You've found the white whale. Now do that all the time. Keep going until she begs you to stop. Once is not enough. Once is only the beginning. Now go forth and use this knowledge to make the world a better place.