WrestleMania 30 needs to be a big deal.

The WWE just sold most of us on the WWE Network, it dragged Hulk Hogan out of purgatory aka TNA, and has a star-studded group of past Superstars and Divas set for the Hall of Fame.

The Ultimate Warrior and Jake The Snake Roberts are dope, but Mr. T is going in y’all. I pity the fool who doesn’t understand why that’s awesome.

Many times the loyal members of the WWE universe are displeased with the decisions made by the folks who conjure up the story lines. Fans tried to hijack a recent episode of Raw to demand Daniel Bryan get some love.

Because of this dynamic, we took matters into our own hands. With WWE 2K14 as our instrument, we took control of the card in New Orleans on April 6.

Consider this the “What Should Happen” version of WrestleMania 30.

Here’s how the eight-match event transpired.

The Shield vs. The New Age Outlaws and Kane
 

You know how the ring announcer used to give the combined weight of tag teams? Imagine if they started giving out combined ages. This New Age Outlaws and Kane team might set some kind of record. All together, this trio is 140 years old. Something about that just ain’t right.

As a matter of fact, Billy Gunn and Road Dogg are older than the three members of The Shield combined (90-84). 

At any rate, The Shield is about ready to disband. The WWE writers have been trying to throw us off the scent with the crew showing new-found solidarity. 

I ain’t buying it. 

Thus our creative control over WrestleMania 30’s opening match is sort of like a prediction too.

These guys are about to go their separate ways and Dean Ambrose is going to be the one to initiate it. At some point in this match, something like this is going to happen…

Kane will flop on top of the downed Shield member for the pin. What will come of this? Of course, we’ll have to wait for Monday to watch Raw to see for sure.


The Divas Invitational

Let’s face it, aside from A.J. and Naomi’s tantalizing figure (am I the only one who digs her?), the Divas division is terrible. This match could be OK, but somehow it seems destined to be ruined by mediocre performers.

 Here’s how we can hopefully save this match from armpit city.

Tamina Snuka might just have some upside as a performer. Let’s make her stop playing Virgil to A.J’s Ted Dibiase. Tamina and A.J. need to feud because the rest of the ladies can’t lace up A.J’s Chuck Taylors.

Of course, Tamina can’t get the upper hand just yet.

She needs to be double-crossed like this first:


A.J. vs. Tamina is an interesting feud and it would give the champion a chance to work in the ring with someone who could actually wrestle.

Andre the Giant Battle Royal

Initially John Cena said he was going to be in the Andre the Giant battle royal, but Bray Wyatt and his family started beating the hell out of him. I liked the idea of Cena in the match, so we decided to keep him in our version.

Relax Cena haters, we didn’t keep him in the match to win. The man who deserves a big push is Dolph Ziggler. Not only did Dolph win our battle royal, he kicked Superman man out to win it.

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John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

Fresh after getting kicked in the face by Ziggy, Cena has to face the single creepiest dude in the WWE since The Boogeyman was eating worms.

All jokes aside, Bray is the most talented mic performer the WWE has seen in decades. How good is he as a spooky villain? He’s Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear good.

On to the pixels, though.

Cena has as many haters as he has fans these days. Why not add the Immortal Hulk Hogan to the list of people looking to give Cena the shaft.

Fans compare Cena’s superhuman attributes to Hogan’s all the time. Well, maybe Hogan is a bit jealous of Cena’s status as the ultimate hero of the promotion.

We know the Hulkster can’t get physical with anyone anymore, but he could probably swing a chair or some sort of foreign object.

Let’s have him crack Cena in the head and allow Bray to get the pin.

The crowd would go bananas for this.

Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker

Let’s get one thing straight: Taker’s streak should be broken. But, not by a guy who works a part-time schedule. Lesnar is the Beast Incarnate and all that, but he makes like 12 appearances per year and that kind of guy isn’t worthy of snapping The Streak.

That said, the Streak needs to come to an end sometime soon. Taker is looking really old theses days. I’m not sure how many more times he can roll his eyes in the back of his head without them staying there.

In this match, Taker needs to drop three tombstones on Lesnar’s head to beat him.

Having to use three finishers will help to keep The Beast’s reputation for future feuds.


Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan

In real life, this match is going to be better than people expect. Trips is one of the best of all time and Bryan knows how to work a match as well as anyone.

Enough of that real-life fantasy stuff. Let’s put this match into the game.

As much as people are panting for Bryan to become the man who wins every match in stunning fashion, it’s been entertaining watching him squirm.

The stipulations for this match say that the winner will face Batista and Randy Orton for the WWE Heavyweight title in the main event.

The obvious choice is Bryan considering all that has transpired leading up to WrestleMania, but what about Trips?

He’s a legend and it’s been interesting thinking about him back in the title picture. Here’s what we say should happen:

Trips and Bryan battle tooth and nail in an entertaining title match that ends like this…

That’s right, a double count out meaning there is no winner.

So what happens with the main event?

Fatal Four Way - Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H vs. Batista

Let’s turn this Triple Threat match into a Fatal Four Way and really give fans their money’s worth. Obviously, Trips is not in any condition to participate in a long and grueling second match, so this has to be over rather quickly.

Finally, we give in to Yes! Movement that aggressively backs Bryan. This happens to Randy Orton...