Whoopi Goldberg is a lot of things. She's an esteemed member of the EGOT club; She's a former Oscars host; She's a talking head on The View; And, now, she's a weed columnist. Could she win a Pulitzer for criticism and become an even more esteemed member of the even more exclusive EGOPT club? Well, this sky is the limit for Goldberg: For her debut column with The Cannabist, Goldberg wrote a love letter to her vape pen, Sippy. 

Yes, she named it.

The vape pen has changed my life. No, I’m not exaggerating. In fact, her name is Sippy. Yes, she’s a she. And yes, I named her Sippy because I take tiny, little sips — sassy sips, even — from her. And with each sip comes relief — from pressure, pain, stress, discomfort. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Goldberg isn't just smoking weed for a good ole time like the droves of recent Colorado immigrants and tourists. She uses it for her glaucoma.

These glaucoma-induced headaches come on like freight trains — like, BOOM, my head starts hurting, my eyes start bugging, my whole body starts to tense up. But then I find her, and it relaxes everything and calms everything. It helps my head stop hurting, and with glaucoma your eyes ache, and she takes the ache out. It’s wonderful.

The high is different, too. It feels like a gentle, warm breeze at the beach. It’s like someone undoing a vise grip, very slowly. It’s not overpowering — and I’m certainly not looking for that high high. I’m looking for relief.

Goldberg is set to write her column on a bimonthly basis while listening to Pink Floyd and eating enough Taco Bell to feed a high school football team. 

[via The Wrap]