Long-running TV shows often try to flip the script with disastrous results. You only need to look as far as Saved By the Bell: The New Class or Scrubs: Med School to see just how bad a change-up can be. This season, Archer decided to switch its game up with an incredibly high degree of difficulty. A show about spies took their cast out of the spy game.

Season five of Archer began with ISIS shutting down and the gang turning to drug dealing and country music stardom to pay the bills. Almost every character underwent a major change. Lana got pregnant. Pam had a coke addiction. Cheryl became a country music outlaw. Krieger became even creepier. All the characters evolved...except Archer, who stayed the self-centered, nymphomaniac jerk we fell in love with years ago.

Though he spent the season pushing coke rather than foiling conspiracies, Archer managed to say just as many insensitive, ignorant, and rude things as always. Here are The 15 Most Dickish Things Archer Said This Year.


As usual, Archer showed respect and admiration for his friends and family.

“Nice to meet you Mrs.-Hello-My-Kid’s-From-A-Sperm-Bank-Since-I-Can’t-Keep-A-Man-Because-In-Addition-To-My-Jillion-Neuroses-I-Have-A-Weird-Looking-Vagina."

Ron: "Next time, remind me to get shot in the head."
Archer: "Ron, next time, get shot in the head."

“I have sex with actual women, Cyril. My girlfriend’s not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky Jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.”

Ray: “How is this my fault?”
Archer: “Because why do you always get paralyzed?”

Pam: “Which Breakfast Clubber am I?”
Archer: “I guess that janitor everyone thinks is gross but turns out to be cool."

Cyril: "Archer, alligators or your mother?"
Archer: "What’s the difference? They’re both cold-blooded prehistoric monsters."

 

Archer showed his normal levels of racial sensitivity...

Yakuza: “What do you know about being Japanese?”
Archer: “I guess only the clichés really: karaoke, Pachinko, subway frottage, tentacle porn, umm…hang on...those vending machines that sell used school girl panties. OK, done.”

And compassion for his fellow man...

“You know what they say, it’s better to have a gun and not need it than to be the world’s biggest dickhead, and inside your head there’s a million more dicks, like if you try to open a golf ball, but instead of rubber bands in there it’s just dicks.”

“He died doing what he loved. Getting shot.”

“Blah. Blah. Blah. Some joke about you two having vaginas. Let’s go.”

And, of course, he is still a hopeless romantic.

“If I were you, I’d run out that door while I still had a chance. I’d also waste five precious minutes of my head-start in the race to freedom giving that swell guy Archer a combination goodbye/thank you blow job or a rim job. What do you care? You’re never going to see him again.”

F.B.I. Agent: "If I were you..."
Archer: "You’d get laid a lot more."


Archer: “I just banged Calderon’s wife”
Lana: “Why would you do that?”
Archer: “I’m sorry, do you mean ‘where?'”
Lana: “I thought you said no more anonymous sex.”
Archer: “It wasn’t anonymous. I thought she was the maid.”

Malory: “It never struck you as odd that you never paid a dime in rent?”
Archer: “I just thought it was because I banged the landlord's wife when she dropped off the key. But, I now realize I was mistaken."

Plus, he's still never afraid to go into the "Danger Zone."

"I don’t know about you but I’m going to be pretty upset if I end up having to murder Kenny Loggins.”

So, yeah, Archer hasn't changed a bit.

[All Images Courtesy of FX]

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