Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

Ratchet crime strikes again in the form of body-tossing, drugs and eye-ball licking.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream

This week's roundup includes a crack-addicted bathtub birth, eyeball-licking assault, and copious amounts of narcotics. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Metera base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing. 

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to cityguidetips@complex.com.

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Authorities Seize $12 Million in Heroin, $500,000 in Crystal Meth from New York City Apartment

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Following Crack Binge, Florida Woman Gives Birth in Motel Bathtub

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Man with Unfortunate Name of Edward Cocaine Arrested for Drug Possession in Florida

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South Carolina Man Accused of Turning Hotel Lobby Into Bathroom

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Florida Teacher Arrested for Having Continuous Sexual Relationship with Student

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Montana Man Licks Cop's Eyeball to Distract Him During Arrest

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Philadelphia IRS Employee Arrested for Inexplicably Cheating on Taxes

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Man Caught with Nearly Two Pounds of Heroin Attached to Groin at JFK International Airport

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"Tax Exempt" Chicago Man Brandishes Submachine Gun at Convenience Store Due to Soda Tax

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Authorities Evacuate Boston Marathon Finish Line After Suspicious Bags Are Spotted

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Texas Man Who Urinated on the Alamo to Spend 18 Months in Prison

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Irish Teen in Coma After Having Testicles Squeezed During Prank Gone Wrong

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NYPD Sergeant Arrested for Throwing Friend Through Storefront Window

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Remains of Seven Babies Discovered in Garage of Utah Home

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Ex-Ku Klux Klan Leader Identified as Kansas Jewish Centers Shooter

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Man Shoots Up North Carolina Strip Club for Kicking Him Out

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Man Gets Clowned and Arrested for Trying to Rob Maryland Hair Salon

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Spiteful San Diego Woman Invites Men to Rape Woman Who Outbid Her for Home

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Nebraska Inmate Has Testicles Partially Ripped Off by Another During Horrific Fight

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Small Arsenal Including Pipe Bombs Found in Brooklyn EMT's Home

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Florida Atheist Requests Atheist Lawyer After Mistaking Roommate for Jesus Christ, Trying to Stab Him

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Meanwhile in Nebraska, a Missing Child Was Found in a Bowling Alley Claw Machine Game

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Michigan Police Find Multi-Million Dollar Shoplifting Ring During Search for Meth Lab

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Apparently 1993 Honda Keys Are Interchangeable

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Long Island Man Arrested for Selling Weed Out of Mail Truck in Post Office Parking Lot

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