Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced that, after 10 years of marriage (and a valiant effort on Martin's behalf to endure weekly couple's colonoscopies), the pair would be calling it splits. Or, as Gwyneth titled her GOOP blog post announcing the divorce, "consciously uncoupling." UM, WUT?

Well, according to my therapist (just kidding, I read it on the Internets) "conscious uncoupling" refers to the "process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace." Which, TBH, sounds a lot different from life-unraveling, psyche-rupturing breakups real humans experience. Leave it to Paltrow to make a traumatic life experience sounds so zen.

These are my initial thoughts on what the phrase "conscious uncoupling" sounds like it means. Because, truthfully, I'm still unconvinced it's not just the most pretentious way for Gwyneth to say "I prefer my claw-footed soaking tub to my husband." 

  • Abstaining from strong drink while breaking up (Is it even possible?)
  • Being surgically separated from your partner—without anesthetic. (So, basically, same as above.)
  • A mole you've had since birth being removed by a doctor.
  • Abandoning your kids at a Bikram Yoga Studio.
  • The aftermath of colon hydrotherapy.
  • Taking off skinny jeans.
  • Getting out of your new Bugatti after waking up in it.
  • Unplugging your iPhone from your computer without ejecting it first.
  • Mitosis. (Or, is it Miosis? I mostly slept and texted during Biology.)
  • Dealing with the fact that Mad Men is coming to an end. (That was difficult to even type.)
  • Talib Kweli ejaculating.
  • The sensation a patient must feel after labiaplasty.
  • Kim Kardashian giving birth.
  • Black Star breaking up.
  • Logging out of all of your social media platforms.
  • Like this part of The Matrix looked:
[Image via wn.com]