25 Ways You're Screwing Up Your New Job

That's nice, but you're fired.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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So, you've defied the odds and landed a real job with, like, an email signature and paid time off. Congratulations! But, before you decorate your cubicle and order custom stationary, it's important to know the ropes. In this economy, the job market is flooded with people who are underemployed, overworked, and—consequently—not really in the mood to deal with your shit. If you want to make it to retirement (or at least this year's office holiday party), then you have to be on the top of your game. Since it's more important to know what not to do, this comprehensive guide highlights the "don'ts" of cubicle life. Don't screw it up.

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You haven’t hired an intern.

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Your shirt has more wrinkles than Tan Mom’s neck.

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You’re already talking like an Excel spreadsheet personified.

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You're sick as hell and coughing all over the place.

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You’re snitching.

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You’re not using headphones.

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There’s no liquor in your office or cubicle.

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You’re a weatherman, member of Congress or NBA referee.

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Your co-workers give you Gary Coleman level side eye.

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You’re repeatedly asked, “Are you new here?”

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Your boss talks to you the way Kanye West talks to the Paparazzi.

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You’re late.

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You’re not very busy.

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No one invites you to meetings.

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You get heated when someone tells you what to do.

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You need fresh air.

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You’re unprepared when it comes to questions about “weekend plans.”

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You’re over sharing.

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You’re repeatedly asked, “Can I speak with your manager?”

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Your tweets or Instagram pictures piss people off.

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You’re a bad actor.

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You stay up late to play Call of Duty on the nightly.

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You have other interests.

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You leave leftover lunch in the office fridge and forget to throw it away.

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You read Internet lists while you’re on the clock.

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