If “positivity” had a publicist, chances are it would scan each of our respective social media timelines and quickly release a press release that stressed (in a professional way), “I don’t know these hoes.” But since positivity isn’t so fortunate, I’m going to do my part to help its cause. I may not be able to kill the new online phenomenon that is the Social Media Fauxlosopher, but I can kick it in the shin and run.

Listen, I completely understand the desire to uplift yourself and your fellow man. Times are hard and not everyone can afford therapy—or for that matter, generic anti-depressants. I understand the desire to want to help. I truly, truly do.

Even more, I do not discount the value of anecdotes and I've met enough Baptists and attended enough Mary J. Blige concerts to know the power a testimonial can have on people. Even so, there are just way too many people who don’t know shit about a damn thing and need to shut their happy asses up. Not only are they embarrassing themselves, they’re irritating the living hell out of folks who either at least finished one freshman college course or have seen enough episodes of The Oprah Winfrey Show to know better.

Sorry to be a spoiler, but reading the book jacket of The Secret should not give you license to slide out of your lane. Bless your heart for trying, but everyone can’t be “deep” and not everyone is equipped to be philosophical. There is a reason why Maya Angelou is Maya Angelou and so many of you are whatevrurjobiz879 online. It’s okay to just be that. 

I do not discount the value of anecdotes and I've met enough Baptists and attended enough Mary J. Blige concerts to know the power a testimonial can have on people. Even so, there are just way too many people who don’t know shit about a damn thing and need to shut their happy asses up.

You know the types I’m talking about.

These are the people who tweet things like, “You know, as the good book says, ‘Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire. My love is blind, can’t you see my desire?’”

“Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don’t. Why can’t we just be like math?”

And so forth.

Then there are the ones who are clearly repurposing old sayings they heard from the gray-haired members of their family—which you are certain of, as the old heads in your family have told you the same thing.

Rounding it out are the fake relationship experts who are more like performance artists in the act of projection. Oh, and we can’t forget about the “parody” celebrities accounts that are just fake Will Smith quoting Benjamin Franklin and Bugs Bunny hour after hour.

Not only is this all very annoying, but it’s often coming from a less than sincere place. As in, a lot of people do this for online attention and validation. Sure, Joel Osteen is a popular pastor with a big social media presence (thanks in large part to his uplifting messages), but that’s largely part of his job title. The same goes for therapists and motivational speakers. You know, those people who actually went out and trained and educated themselves to encourage others beyond remixed banal musings from yesterdecade.

Much like Paris Hilton, many people only go “deep” ‘cause it’s the popular thing to do now. But, just like Paris, you’re not a poet laureate; you’re a poser. That’s not hot.

Speaking of poetry, here’s a haiku:

I know you want to be deep
but you are about as deep
as a wad of spit

You can’t swim in spit
Nor can you steal your grandma’s swag
And expect to turn into the next Tyrese

So don’t go chasing retweets
Please stick to the ESPN or VH1 chats
That you’re used to

I know that you’re going to have it your way
Or nothing at all
But I’m trying to help
As I don’t think your brain works that fast

Now, clap for a negro with his sarcastic but correct ass. Get you off that fake Iyanla Vanzant shit with your corny ass. Shalam and shit to you all.

Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.