President Fitz is a whiny, dismissive brat that’s mad at the world despite this same world handing him every opportunity imaginable—sometimes through thievery. He’s also an adulterous drunk who cheats on his wife in such a callous way that he might as well toss the condom wrapping in her face after he’s finished. Clearly, he’s not the best co-worker, but even so, I still hope Team Fitz punished Vice President Langston so severely that even Frank Underwood will say, “OOOH! KILL ‘EM!” As trill as VP Sally’s move to run as a third party presidential candidate while staying on as second in command is, she’s about as likable as that other Sallie, Ms. Mae. She must be punished—the sooner the better.

Here’s hoping that somehow, some way, Sally murdering her big gay husband comes to light and ethers her candidacy. Ever the religious zealot, Sally told her campaign manager, “I did not murder my husband. The devil murdered my husband when he snuck in me.” How? When she switched her position on abortion for political gain, Satan shimmied right into her soul.

Sure, Cyrus obstructed justice by helping Sally cover up the murder (with the intent of preventing her leaving the ticket), but I’m sure he’ll figure out how to hurt her and save his ass. That’s how evil works. And if James—his meddling husband who has since turned on Cyrus and is actively working to expose him—just so happens to die, too, oh well. He’s always been weak and unlike House of Cards’ Claire Underwood, doesn’t know how to hold his man down. The loser.

As for Fitz, he’s just as stubborn and moody as he’s always been. After finding out about Sally’s treachery, he threw a glass (only after finishing his morning liquor) at the Cyrus' head, screamed at Olivia, and refused to listen to their advice that his pick for Sally’s replacement, the current governor of California, was not the best move. Ultimately, Olivia screened him and found his excuse for as to why he’s never been married—he let “the one” get away—endearing.

By the very end of the episode, we found out that "one" is none other than my homegirl for life, Mellie Mel. I hope Mellie screws him in the Oval Office.

And in another glowing example of why Mel should be president and not Fitz, after Sally’s campaign manager reintroduced the Fitz-is-boning-Olivia meme on national TV in a debate with Abby Whelan, Mel invited her to a fake ki-ki in front of all of Washington media. When Olivia asked why she was there, Mel explained, “Because I like it when my husband is the president. I worked very hard for it and I’ve done a great deal to get us here and you’re going to get him across the finish line, but you can’t do that if people know what kind of person you really are.” Mel then handed Olivia a list of eligible bachelors to pick for the sake of throwing people off from the truth. This is what The Real Housewives of D.C. should’ve been like, Bravo.

Fitz was heated when he found out what Mellie did, though I really wish this man would get his priorities in order. Besides running the country, he ought to be worried about Olivia Pope’s daddy coming for his neck. In another fast-paced monologue, Rowan promised to seek vengeance on those who have wronged him. Naturally, he’s now buddy-buddy with VP Sally’s campaign manager.

Rowan told Olivia flat-out that she is biggest weapon against Fitz. I can see that, but I have to say no matter what happens in their scenario, I’m quite exhausted by Fitz and Liv. When Liv confronted Fitz about him tapping Jake as the head of B316, I wanted to reach through my TV and shake them both. Liv, you like Jake, but you’re in love with Fitz. You’re a fool for that, but why even bother pretending you can be into Jake when you’re admittedly still talking about “Vermont” i.e. this dream life in which you and Fitz make your affair official and enjoy the happy ending you think you deserved? Like, girl, you should’ve let Mellie be your OkCupid and get on the good food.

That said, while talking about how frustrating Fitz and Liv’s storyline is, she pointed out that it’s Fitz playing the stereotypical female role in his relationship with Olivia Pope. True enough, it’s uncommon for us to see the man be depicted as the one to doggedly pursue his love interest and do the craziest things just to win the heart of who they love. Say, trying to get impeached for the sake of escaping public life. Well done, Shonda.

Now, to end on a happy note, we’re getting to know Harrison and it’s about time. As fate would have it, Adnan Salif, the big scary insider trader who scares Harrison so much that he had to borrow Abby’s gun, is an attractive woman who can make him instantly drop trou. Can we find out more about this instead of seeing Quinn? Yeah, she’s kidnapping children and trying to get put on at B316, but she remains annoying. Girl, bye.

Until next week, y’all. 

Written by Michael Arceneaux (@youngsinick

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